Motherhood

I don't know what to say. This is a thought post. Greg works the weekends so I saved conference for him and we've watched it here and there. We still have one session left. The last one we watched, however, was really good for me. Two talks, in particular, spoke to me. First a woman, who talked about being an example to your children. My mind immediately went to Grey's Anatomy and how I would NEVER want Scarlet to watch such a show, but how I do every week. I knew I shouldn't watch it, but I just couldn't give it up. Well, a day or so passed and I realized, "That's the only thing I disapprove of, that I don't want Scarlet to know I'm doing." Not to say I'm perfect, by any means. That's just the ONE THING I KNOW I shouldn't be doing, but deliberately do anyway. Everything else is just stuff that happens, it's rarely intentional. When I realized this, it seemed easier to cut out ONE thing and feel a WHOLE LOT BETTER about my life. Does that sound way too simple or strange? I suppose there are other things I want to change before Scarlet sees me do it- like my addiction to chocolate, but I suppose I just feel a lot worse about watching certain things. And then I realized I needed to cut Desperate Housewives too. Last week Greg and I decided to cut out Chuck too. There's just too many scenes of inappropriately dressed people. It got to be too much, which is SUCH a shame, because it's the cleanest show, otherwise. Man, sins are easy. It's just so easy to sit down to nurse and flip on the tv to whatever sucks you in. It takes effort to read, which is what I'm going to do more of while nursing. Atleast try to.

Nursing. That brings me to my next talk that helped me change. Or try to. Pres. Monson spoke about gratitude and thinking about blessings instead of thinking about all that we don't have. That really hit me. This week, nursing has seemed all consuming. Like that is my whole life and I was getting really depressed/frustrated realizing this was going to be my whole life for the next year. I was complaining about it a lot to Greg and when I heard Pres. Monson's talk I realized, "Wo Megan! Last week you were crying your eyes out because you thought you couldn't nurse Scarlet at all. What is your problem?" Big wake up call. I need to change my attitude and be grateful for all that I have. I was just really grateful for those talks. I needed them to push me in a better direction.

Motherhood. I just don't know what to say. You think you know what you're getting into. You know you're going to have sleepless nights. You know your baby is going to cry, but until it happens, you just don't know what it's going to be like. I had no idea I could function on such little sleep. There must be some hormone that's making it this way, because if I ever got less than 8 hours in the past I was HORRIBLE to be around. I'm not always peaches and cream, but I'm FAR better than I ever thought I would be on 5 hours a night, every stinkin' night. It's so annoying, because everytime Greg or ANYBODY complains about how tired they are, or how they didn't get any sleep one night- I just roll my eyes inside and think, "Are you kidding me? YOU'RE tired? Do you understand how little sleep I've gotten EVERY NIGHT for 30+ days in a row? DON'T whine to ME about it!" I've finally gotten over it, but it used to REALLY bug me.

Poor little Scarlet. I never realized how TRAUMATIC pooping was for a little child. It really is intense. Her poor little faces scrunches up and gets all red and she just SCREAMS!!!! She does not have that little infant cry. That lasted maybe 2 weeks. 3 at the most. She SCREAMS LOUD. She is STRONG. I have never had to worry about her head falling back. I keep my hands there and support a BIT, but I'm really lazy about it, because it's not really necessary. I never put her on her belly, I just did that one video. But then everyone was like, "Keep it up," so I put her on her stomach and she struggled and within a minute she pushed herself over and she had rolled onto her back in one swift push! I couldn't believe it! I don't know if babies normally do that at 4 or 5 weeks, but I thought it was really soon. I just think she's a really strong baby!

It's funny, getting to know Scarlet. Like already I'm picking out traits she's gotten from Greg and I. For instance. Since the beginning she has been the most mellow child. That, she got from Greg. I am far from mellow. She smiles a lot, this she got from me. I've always been a smiler. Greg smiles a lot too, but I smile way more than the average person, and she apparently smiles way more than the average baby. Her smiles also make me think she's happy! Which I think she has from me, not to say that Greg's not a happy person, but Greg has always said he loves how I'm a happy person. But when she IS upset, it is INSTANT. Like she will go from a content little baby to SCREAMING within a few seconds. There is NO wind up. I don't know if there are quiet cries or "growing in loudness" cries. Because she is either screaming at the top of her lungs, or not at all. THIS, unfortunately is from me. But, also, once the problem is fixed, she's a happy girl again. I am the same way. I can get mad pretty dang fast, but it goes away just as quickly. It's just amazing to see these traits in our baby already! Maybe I'm clueless and all babies are this way, but I don't think so.

Motherhood has been a journey. It's crazy to think I've only just begun. I can't believe she's already 5 weeks old. It still feels like we just brought her home yesterday. Everyone is always saying how small she is, but she's really grown a lot already. I'm so anxious to weigh her again. Motherhood has been waves of feeling like I'm awesome at it, and I'm impressed with my patience and then feeling completely inadequate and feeling bad for being a bad mother. Usually those feelings come in the night when it's 2 am and I've yet to lay down even once or 4 am and I'm desperate to go BACK to bed, but she is wide awake and wants to be held for a couple hours. Those are the hours that are difficult. Those are the times when I'm NOT so patient. But we're figuring it out. My pediatrician is BIG on schedules and I've been trying to get one down, but it's not really working. I think we can do it later, but for now she just can't do it and I'm finally ok with that. Man, there have been so many ups and downs, so many tears. The anxiety of everything new with the combination of complete lack of sleep has brought a lot of tears. I'll just burst into tears for no apparent reason sometimes. Usually there IS a reason, but it usually doesn't require me to cry about it. Greg's been really good about it. I have been reminded, once again, that I got a good one.

Well, I'm tired and I'm going to go. Good night!