My water broke about an hour after church. Greg wasn't home, he was at a meeting. My contractions didn't start IMMEDIATELY and once they did they weren't that bad at all, so I texted Greg "My water just broke. Stay at your meeting, I'm fine" or something like that. Greg also had to get a ride home, and though I was 100% sure my water DID break, I remembered in my birthing class, with Scarlet, the nurse said that women think their waters break all the time but instead they just peed their pants. I was very confident I didn't pee my pants, but I was still afraid word would travel round the ward that I was in labor and didn't wanna show up at church the next week still pregnant, because I wasn't in labor after all.
My water breaking was weird to begin with. I was in labor with Scarlet 30+ hours before I went to the hospital and then THEY broke my water. So it was weird to start off that way. It also panicked me a little, because then I knew that I was on a time limit. And being that my last labor was so long- it made me a little worried interventions or an eventual c-section would have to be made. I did NOT want that to happen. The other weird thing about my water breaking, was it started with the smallest gush. And every time I stood up, a little would drain out and as soon as I'd sit down on the toilet it would stop. So I'd get up thinking I was done and then it would come again. So I basically wandered the house with a towel between my legs for a few hours.
Pretty soon I thought, "Well, I'm in for a long day/night so I better eat something." So I had a second helping of Pad Thai and it was soooo good. The whole experience was so different than last time. I just kept thinking it was strange I was in labor and eating Pad Thai, calm as can be. Greg came home around an hour later and I just sort of sat around the house, not wanting to use up energy. Greg kept saying I should call the doctor but I really didn't want to because I knew she'd put me on a "clock" and I really didn't want to. So after I'd been in labor a couple hours I finally called her, but only because Greg wanted me to. And she immediately said something about 12 hours- meaning I need to be well on my way into labor by the 12th hour and that gave me a bit of a melt down because my last labor was nowhere near that time. So she told me to walk around to speed up my contractions, because they were being irregular and not very close.
Somewhere in there Greg got a bag ready for Scarlet and drove her to Scott and Nicolina's.
So it quickly became apparent that when I walked around the house, my contractions came every 4 minutes, every time. And as soon as I sat down and took a break they'd go to 7+ minutes apart. So I had to keep walking. IT STUNK. I just wanted to relax. And I can't contract while I'm STANDING, so I'd walk walk walk and feel one coming and rush to the couch and sit on the edge and wait for my contraction to pass. Then I'd get up again and walk some more. We did this for 4 hours? It's weird, we put in 2 movies but I only remember 2 scenes from one of them. I was so annoyed of the whole thing by then end. It was not how I was planning on laboring, but I had to. So somewhere around that 6th hour things started to get more serious and I was also a lot more tired. So I went to go lay on the bed. Greg came up to snuggle me and ALL OF THE SUDDEN I had some SERIOUS contractions. Contractions that made me scream- quite a bit. And Greg started sushing me because he didn't want the neighbors to think he was beating me. I started freaking out and immediately was yelling, "I can't do this! I want an epidural!! I don't think I can do this! I can't do this!!!!" Then we were off to the hospital.
Driving while laboring SUCKED. Every bump was just like, "Oh! Ow!" On the way I was telling Greg that I didn't think I could make it without an epidural. I was very sure I couldn't make it. It was soooo painful. So we get there 10 minutes later and we slowly make our way to the building and once we hit the entrance I stop and contract in his arms while standing. I'm pretty sure I'm crying my eyes out now. And before I know it, I hear someone's voice, "Do you need a wheel chair?" And next thing I know I'm getting wheeled around and by this time the tears are pouring. Just like last time, it's odd being publicly in labor. Here I am, OBVIOUSLY pregnant and I'm crying. I just wonder what it all looks like from outside eyes. I just kept my eyes closed or covered them with my hands the whole time.
They wheel me into a room pretty quick, which was nice- last time I had to fill out this paper work while in the waiting room while I was laboring. It stunk. But as soon as I DO get wheeled into a room and get on the bed, Greg had to leave to do paperwork or something and I'm left alone with this HORRIBLE NURSE. She was the worst. She kept asking me all these stupid questions to get me registered. How much do you weigh? How tall are you? Did you take your prenatals today? When was your last period? All the while I'm thinking, "Does my height REALLY matter right now? Can't we just have a baby?" And when I'd contract I'd tell her, "I'm having a contraction." And she'd still ask me these stupid questions!!! I just couldn't BELIEVE I was answering these questions while in so much pain. So I finally said, "I can't talk while having a contraction and I'm having one right now." So she said ok, and then asked me ANOTHER question. I couldn't believe she did that so I said again, "I can't answer you while having a contraction, I'm still contracting." And same thing- a reply of ok and another question. So after the THIRD TIME I finally say, "I can't have a conversation while I'm having contractions!" Something. I don't know. So she said ok and walked away. But instead of waiting a good minute or two she'd come back 5 minutes later- always while I was contracting. So after a few rounds of this she irritatedly said, "This is why I want to put the monitors on. So I can see when you're contracting." I was so irritated that SHE was irritated. Does she SERIOUSLY work in the maternity ward? She clearly has NO IDEA what it feels like to be in labor. No patience. No sympathy. The whole time I was hating her and thank goodness, eventually she went away.
Then came my nurse. I never knew her name. I'm sure she told me when she came in the room, but I should have asked her again. She was AWESOME. So at this point in time I'd gotten ahold of my contractions again. They weren't so out of control as when we got there. But I was getting to the point where I thought, "This sucks. It really hurts. What IS the point? Does it even matter anymore? Am I just hurting myself for nothing?" And I honestly felt that way. I wasn't screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!" anymore. It wasn't a feeling of desperation. It was just like, "Wouldn't it be easier with drugs?" So I talked over my thoughts with Greg and the nurse a bit and she said the anesthesiologist was at a c-section and wouldn't be available for another 30 minutes. So I said we'd just wait 'till then to decide I suppose. And that's just how it always was. Every time I'd get thoughts like that again, she'd encourage me to wait a little longer. When I got there I was dilated between a 6 and 7. Which made me THRILLED. I wanted to labor as far as I could at home, and I felt like that was really significant to do on my own at home. I was already more than halfway there. The whole reason I was also going back and forth, is it was still a mystery of just how bad it was going to get. And the nurse kept telling me if I'd already gotten that far, I could go all the way. That she's seen a million women labor and that if I was debating and not dilated so far she would say I needed an epidural, but that I was doing so well and had come so far on my own- that in a way I was over the worst hump. So every time I thought about it, she checked me and I was always dilated farther and farther, so I just kept going. When I got there I was between a 6 and 7, then the next time she checked me I was an 8, and then the last time she checked me I was a 9. I think once we got to an 8 and I decided against drugs it was like, "Well here we go. No turning back now. It's not like I can change my mind after this."
Laboring was nothing as I had planned. I read The Bradley Method and planned on laboring, laying down the whole time. But every time I tried to everything just hurt so much worse. So I labored the whole time sitting up. It was so tiring. I never understood how women could sleep between contractions, but I SOOOO could have, if only I could have laid down. So eventually I had Greg sit in front of me and I just leaned on him. That was nice. The whole thing has taught me that you can make plans, but be ready to throw them all out the window. You just never know how it's gonna go. Natural or not- this labor was NOTHING like my last. With my water breaking, the longevity, pushing- everything. What will my next be like?
Natural Labor. If I had a clue about the intense pain I would feel- I would NEVER HAVE DONE IT. No way. That was intense. It was INSANE. I would NEVER have agreed to it. The actual PAIN part of it, was more horrifying and traumatic than anything I could have ever imagined. And I'm not exaggerating. HOWEVER. How OFTEN I FELT that pain- was so much LESS than I ever imagined. So in that aspect it was so much BETTER and EASIER than I ever imagined. It was such a weird unexpected experience- both ways- I couldn't make up my mind, afterward, how I felt about it. I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to do it again. I didn't feel strongly either way. I thought after I accomplished it I would think, "I'm awesome! This is amazing! Everyone should do this, there's no other way." That is so not how I thought and still not how I think.
It was so different this time. I felt NOTHING with my epidural. Nothing at all. They told me when to push, they told me when to stop. Once I got to a 9 my nurse said that between a 9 and 10 didn't really matter and that when I start to feel a lot of pressure and want to push to let her know. She said everything is different with natural labor and that it's just following what my body tells me. Then she left the room. Immediately after that I DID feel a lot of pressure, but only during contractions and didn't know if that's what she meant. So Greg got her back and soon enough every time I'd have a contraction my body would sort of push on it's own at the peak of the contraction. I wouldn't push with it 'cause I didn't know if I was supposed to. I felt kinda lost during the whole thing. I wasn't positive what my body was telling me. I was confused. So I started to push a little. But I mean like a half second push, with not my entire strength, at the peak of my contractions. I was so afraid it "wasn't time" and that I'd push and rip something. Looking back, she told me my body was basically ready and just to wait 'till I felt like it. But in the middle, I was all confused and afraid of doing the wrong thing so I just held back a lot. So I did these little half pushes during contractions maybe 5 minutes? 15 at the most? I have no idea. Not a long time and it seemed like there was a lot of time between these contractions. Like we'd all just sit around a wait for each one. So somewhere towards the end of this, she checks me and he's still way up there. And then like 2 contractions later I feel the most intense pain and I start writhing- or so it felt. I just know I went from still, focused contractions to my body constantly moving and I'm SCREAMING. I mean screaming I've never heard from myself, never heard from anybody else. I was sure I looked and sounded like I have been taken over by some demon. Like I was the star in some horror film. I knew I had lost it and was out of control but I just couldn't stop or get control. It was crazy. Apparently I screamed, "He's coming out!!!!!" And suddenly 10 people rush in the room, like a bunch of buzzing bees. I hear my doctor. The whole time my eyes are close. As I mentioned, my body was just moving out of control and I was screaming like a crazy person. So my nurse literally grabs my head like a front head lock and says, "Megan. Calm down. LOOK IN MY EYES!!!! Look at me! Breathe. Just breathe." And I open my eyes and she's an inch from my face and I calm down. I think at the same time my contractions stop. So he went from being way up inside me to crowning in literally just moments. It was a HUGE transition. Once I realized that's what happened, it made me feel a lot better about what I just experienced. I'm pretty sure I was yelling, "I'm going to die!!!" a lot too. That's how I felt. I thought I was going to die. It was horrifying. When everyone came in the room they all were talking and "cheering me on" and I hated it and told everyone to stop talking to me and to stop touching me- except my nurse. She was like my anchor. She gave me so much strength. Then all the sudden everything was calm. And we all just sat there was waiting. Greg told me that he had dark brown hair. So this part is weird, as in I swear we were sitting there 5+ minutes waiting for my next contraction. But Greg has since told me it was only a minute or two and it was really quick. So weird. I remember feeling really weird. I was just screaming like a crazy person and suddenly it was quiet and everyone in the room is just staring at me, waiting. I looked at my doctor and said hi and that I was glad she was there. Then the contractions came and I pushed him out. There was a little moment of panic, I guess his head came out and Greg saw all this fluid sink in his mouth and then I guess I squeezed my legs together and the doctor yelled at me to spread my legs (which I have NO recollection of) then she yelled to the nurses to get my legs apart (I remember that part, it freaked me out. I could tell she was panicked.) And then I pushed him out. What a release. She sucked out his mouth, quick as can be and handed him over. Greg cut the cord.
I couldn't believe how much he looked like Scarlet. I kept saying it over an over. Since then, the more time passes I don't think he looks much like Scarlet and their differences are more apparent everyday. Afterwards they stitched me and fussed around with me and it hurt SO BAD. I kept reacting and moving and gasping and my doctor would say, "I'm not doing anything. I'm only doing this, Megan." And it made me so mad because I just thought, "Well, whatever you're NOT doing, HURTS really bad!!!" But Greg thought she was more trying to assure me that she wasn't doing anything, not pretending that nothing was happening.
I was so used to everyone telling me when and how to do everything last time, that I was so unsure of everything this time. I wanted to nurse him right away, but kept waiting for someone to tell me to. I wish I would have earlier this time.
OH MY GOSH!!!!! Every time I nursed him OWCHIE!!!!! Contractions! Contractions! Contractions!!! It was so horrible! It was like my early labor! It sucked. I guess it gets worse and worse with every pregnancy? Hoorah.
Nursing seemed better from the start. It was clearly going better than with Scarlet, but I was panicking on and off, waiting for his weight check. He was peeing and pooing like crazy, so that assured me he was fine- but then he had a REALLY sleepy day and he doesn't eat NEARLY as long as he's "supposed to" and so I was a LITTLE concerned. But at his two week check up the goal is to be at birth weight and he was 9 oz beyond that! WOOHOO!!! Breastfeeding here we come! It was nice to know everything was working and that we could keep doing it.
Now that time has passed and the trauma isn't so FRESH, I've had time to reflect and I'm definitely planning on natural labors for all my future babes. For lots of reasons. I like not being hooked up to a million things. After he came, they bugged me WAY LESS than with Scarlet. Hardly any monitoring at all. Way more privacy. I liked having no fear of a spinal head ache or any other weird thing. I KNEW nothing unnatural had gone into or affected my baby, which was the main reason I wanted to do all this in the first place. Last time, my whole decision to get an epidural was based on fear. I was very afraid of the unknown. I didn't want to base my decision that way, this time. Once I had the desire to go natural, my only hesitation was, "CAN I do this?" Which is the most ridiculous question. My body was MADE to do this. Of COURSE I can.
Once I GOT into the hospital, everything was different. It was all so unnatural and I hated it. I couldn't WAIT to go home. Because of that point where I "lost it" I was so ashamed, like I couldn't be proud of my going natural. I felt like I'd only accomplished something if I was in control the whole time. But now that time has passed, I feel really great about it- like I did something. And I'm glad. I really do wonder what all my labors in the future will be like. These two were soooo different.
Recovery was NOTHING like last time. Right from the start. It's easy to assume, "Oh it's because you went natural." But I think it more has to do with being awake and in labor for 2+ days without sleep and then spinal headache pain for 4 more days and basically being in CONSTANT IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP PAIN for 6+ days in a row. THAT takes it's toll on a body. Just the 9 hours this time around took me a good week to recover. So times that by 6? No wonder it was so much harder last time.
Brighton is wonderful. He is such an easy going baby. I think he's even easier than Scarlet, which I didn't think was possible. She was an easy baby. Brighton really seems easier. It's interesting to learn their differences. Scarlet loved to be swaddled and loved her pacifier. Brighton doesn't really like being swaddled, most of the time he hates it and same with his pacifier. SOMETIMES he likes them, but most the time not. So different. Scarlet loved being stretched out, Brighton still likes to be in the fetal position. He loves just scrunching his whole body together, and it's totally weird sometimes. Greg will be holding him and he's all tucked against his chest and I think, "Yep, that is about how big my stomach was." And it's weird to think that's exactly what he looked like in my belly. Another difference is Scarlet really was attached to me from the beginning. It seemed she wanted to be held by me more and I could soothe her instantly. Brighton doesn't seem to care who holds him, he's really good with everybody.
It's awesome that I can nurse. I was really wanting to. I feel really blessed that he's a quick nurser. He doesn't even nurse 20 minutes a session, but it seems to be enough. He sleeps well and he's just good tempered. He only cries when he's hungry or fusses when he's tired and needs to sleep. He has really good wake periods. He'll have these days where it's all or nothing. Today, for instance, I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep for 8 hours straight. He just wouldn't nap!!! It was crazy! It put off my shower forever. And he was eating every 1 1/2 - 2 hours since 5am. He usually doesn't eat that often. He just kept needing more! But I suppose it's normal to have days like that. I was crazy worried I was going to get thrush, because I got it immediately with Scarlet and had it for months and didn't know it. Haven't gotten it yet- so I think we're gonna be good. Let's hope so. We're basically pain free at this point- which is great. I thought it was going to take longer to get to this point. Once in awhile it sort of pinches, but most of the time it doesn't.
Mom came out later than usual. Greg could only take time off right after the birth, so we had Mom come out a week later so we could stretch out the help. When she left my freezer was full and my house was clean. I couldn't believe how smooth the first day went! Dinner was a breeze and the day just flowed and I know it was all because of her! If my house was messy or I had to make dinner- OH it wouldn't have been as good of a day, if good at all. It was amazing! It was so nice just to spend time with Scarlet and have more interaction with her. I never realized that making her meals and cleaning her up made me feel so much more connected to her. We talk and touch through all of that and it made me sad when all that interaction was missing. So far she is loving Brighton. There hasn't been any jealousy or problems there and I'm starting to think it will stay that way.
Greg is out of town tonight. All by myself. Yesterday was my first day without Mom and I went to Target and Costco and everything went smoothly. And today I didn't fret about being alone with the kids all day and night. There's been bumps through out the day (like Scarlet taking off her poopy diaper in her crib and standing in a puddle of pee when I went to go pick her up. Poop all over her stuffed animals and her legs all wet, meanwhile Brighton is in the other room screaming to nurse-) but it's all been great and smooth. So much easier than last time. The last two years whenever I see some new mother who isn't haggard and is smiling and seems like nothing has changed and I think, "What! What is wrong with you! Are you a machine?" And I just couldn't wrap my head around it, because it was not my experience at all. But that's how I feel this time! It's crazy.
So many people have been reaching out to help me. I have been overwhelmed. I had no idea so many people were looking out for me. I feel really blessed and it's been such an example of how caring I need to be.
Brighton needs to eat. I've been putting off this post forever, so here it is, finished or not.
So it quickly became apparent that when I walked around the house, my contractions came every 4 minutes, every time. And as soon as I sat down and took a break they'd go to 7+ minutes apart. So I had to keep walking. IT STUNK. I just wanted to relax. And I can't contract while I'm STANDING, so I'd walk walk walk and feel one coming and rush to the couch and sit on the edge and wait for my contraction to pass. Then I'd get up again and walk some more. We did this for 4 hours? It's weird, we put in 2 movies but I only remember 2 scenes from one of them. I was so annoyed of the whole thing by then end. It was not how I was planning on laboring, but I had to. So somewhere around that 6th hour things started to get more serious and I was also a lot more tired. So I went to go lay on the bed. Greg came up to snuggle me and ALL OF THE SUDDEN I had some SERIOUS contractions. Contractions that made me scream- quite a bit. And Greg started sushing me because he didn't want the neighbors to think he was beating me. I started freaking out and immediately was yelling, "I can't do this! I want an epidural!! I don't think I can do this! I can't do this!!!!" Then we were off to the hospital.
Driving while laboring SUCKED. Every bump was just like, "Oh! Ow!" On the way I was telling Greg that I didn't think I could make it without an epidural. I was very sure I couldn't make it. It was soooo painful. So we get there 10 minutes later and we slowly make our way to the building and once we hit the entrance I stop and contract in his arms while standing. I'm pretty sure I'm crying my eyes out now. And before I know it, I hear someone's voice, "Do you need a wheel chair?" And next thing I know I'm getting wheeled around and by this time the tears are pouring. Just like last time, it's odd being publicly in labor. Here I am, OBVIOUSLY pregnant and I'm crying. I just wonder what it all looks like from outside eyes. I just kept my eyes closed or covered them with my hands the whole time.
They wheel me into a room pretty quick, which was nice- last time I had to fill out this paper work while in the waiting room while I was laboring. It stunk. But as soon as I DO get wheeled into a room and get on the bed, Greg had to leave to do paperwork or something and I'm left alone with this HORRIBLE NURSE. She was the worst. She kept asking me all these stupid questions to get me registered. How much do you weigh? How tall are you? Did you take your prenatals today? When was your last period? All the while I'm thinking, "Does my height REALLY matter right now? Can't we just have a baby?" And when I'd contract I'd tell her, "I'm having a contraction." And she'd still ask me these stupid questions!!! I just couldn't BELIEVE I was answering these questions while in so much pain. So I finally said, "I can't talk while having a contraction and I'm having one right now." So she said ok, and then asked me ANOTHER question. I couldn't believe she did that so I said again, "I can't answer you while having a contraction, I'm still contracting." And same thing- a reply of ok and another question. So after the THIRD TIME I finally say, "I can't have a conversation while I'm having contractions!" Something. I don't know. So she said ok and walked away. But instead of waiting a good minute or two she'd come back 5 minutes later- always while I was contracting. So after a few rounds of this she irritatedly said, "This is why I want to put the monitors on. So I can see when you're contracting." I was so irritated that SHE was irritated. Does she SERIOUSLY work in the maternity ward? She clearly has NO IDEA what it feels like to be in labor. No patience. No sympathy. The whole time I was hating her and thank goodness, eventually she went away.
Then came my nurse. I never knew her name. I'm sure she told me when she came in the room, but I should have asked her again. She was AWESOME. So at this point in time I'd gotten ahold of my contractions again. They weren't so out of control as when we got there. But I was getting to the point where I thought, "This sucks. It really hurts. What IS the point? Does it even matter anymore? Am I just hurting myself for nothing?" And I honestly felt that way. I wasn't screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!" anymore. It wasn't a feeling of desperation. It was just like, "Wouldn't it be easier with drugs?" So I talked over my thoughts with Greg and the nurse a bit and she said the anesthesiologist was at a c-section and wouldn't be available for another 30 minutes. So I said we'd just wait 'till then to decide I suppose. And that's just how it always was. Every time I'd get thoughts like that again, she'd encourage me to wait a little longer. When I got there I was dilated between a 6 and 7. Which made me THRILLED. I wanted to labor as far as I could at home, and I felt like that was really significant to do on my own at home. I was already more than halfway there. The whole reason I was also going back and forth, is it was still a mystery of just how bad it was going to get. And the nurse kept telling me if I'd already gotten that far, I could go all the way. That she's seen a million women labor and that if I was debating and not dilated so far she would say I needed an epidural, but that I was doing so well and had come so far on my own- that in a way I was over the worst hump. So every time I thought about it, she checked me and I was always dilated farther and farther, so I just kept going. When I got there I was between a 6 and 7, then the next time she checked me I was an 8, and then the last time she checked me I was a 9. I think once we got to an 8 and I decided against drugs it was like, "Well here we go. No turning back now. It's not like I can change my mind after this."
Laboring was nothing as I had planned. I read The Bradley Method and planned on laboring, laying down the whole time. But every time I tried to everything just hurt so much worse. So I labored the whole time sitting up. It was so tiring. I never understood how women could sleep between contractions, but I SOOOO could have, if only I could have laid down. So eventually I had Greg sit in front of me and I just leaned on him. That was nice. The whole thing has taught me that you can make plans, but be ready to throw them all out the window. You just never know how it's gonna go. Natural or not- this labor was NOTHING like my last. With my water breaking, the longevity, pushing- everything. What will my next be like?
Natural Labor. If I had a clue about the intense pain I would feel- I would NEVER HAVE DONE IT. No way. That was intense. It was INSANE. I would NEVER have agreed to it. The actual PAIN part of it, was more horrifying and traumatic than anything I could have ever imagined. And I'm not exaggerating. HOWEVER. How OFTEN I FELT that pain- was so much LESS than I ever imagined. So in that aspect it was so much BETTER and EASIER than I ever imagined. It was such a weird unexpected experience- both ways- I couldn't make up my mind, afterward, how I felt about it. I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to do it again. I didn't feel strongly either way. I thought after I accomplished it I would think, "I'm awesome! This is amazing! Everyone should do this, there's no other way." That is so not how I thought and still not how I think.
It was so different this time. I felt NOTHING with my epidural. Nothing at all. They told me when to push, they told me when to stop. Once I got to a 9 my nurse said that between a 9 and 10 didn't really matter and that when I start to feel a lot of pressure and want to push to let her know. She said everything is different with natural labor and that it's just following what my body tells me. Then she left the room. Immediately after that I DID feel a lot of pressure, but only during contractions and didn't know if that's what she meant. So Greg got her back and soon enough every time I'd have a contraction my body would sort of push on it's own at the peak of the contraction. I wouldn't push with it 'cause I didn't know if I was supposed to. I felt kinda lost during the whole thing. I wasn't positive what my body was telling me. I was confused. So I started to push a little. But I mean like a half second push, with not my entire strength, at the peak of my contractions. I was so afraid it "wasn't time" and that I'd push and rip something. Looking back, she told me my body was basically ready and just to wait 'till I felt like it. But in the middle, I was all confused and afraid of doing the wrong thing so I just held back a lot. So I did these little half pushes during contractions maybe 5 minutes? 15 at the most? I have no idea. Not a long time and it seemed like there was a lot of time between these contractions. Like we'd all just sit around a wait for each one. So somewhere towards the end of this, she checks me and he's still way up there. And then like 2 contractions later I feel the most intense pain and I start writhing- or so it felt. I just know I went from still, focused contractions to my body constantly moving and I'm SCREAMING. I mean screaming I've never heard from myself, never heard from anybody else. I was sure I looked and sounded like I have been taken over by some demon. Like I was the star in some horror film. I knew I had lost it and was out of control but I just couldn't stop or get control. It was crazy. Apparently I screamed, "He's coming out!!!!!" And suddenly 10 people rush in the room, like a bunch of buzzing bees. I hear my doctor. The whole time my eyes are close. As I mentioned, my body was just moving out of control and I was screaming like a crazy person. So my nurse literally grabs my head like a front head lock and says, "Megan. Calm down. LOOK IN MY EYES!!!! Look at me! Breathe. Just breathe." And I open my eyes and she's an inch from my face and I calm down. I think at the same time my contractions stop. So he went from being way up inside me to crowning in literally just moments. It was a HUGE transition. Once I realized that's what happened, it made me feel a lot better about what I just experienced. I'm pretty sure I was yelling, "I'm going to die!!!" a lot too. That's how I felt. I thought I was going to die. It was horrifying. When everyone came in the room they all were talking and "cheering me on" and I hated it and told everyone to stop talking to me and to stop touching me- except my nurse. She was like my anchor. She gave me so much strength. Then all the sudden everything was calm. And we all just sat there was waiting. Greg told me that he had dark brown hair. So this part is weird, as in I swear we were sitting there 5+ minutes waiting for my next contraction. But Greg has since told me it was only a minute or two and it was really quick. So weird. I remember feeling really weird. I was just screaming like a crazy person and suddenly it was quiet and everyone in the room is just staring at me, waiting. I looked at my doctor and said hi and that I was glad she was there. Then the contractions came and I pushed him out. There was a little moment of panic, I guess his head came out and Greg saw all this fluid sink in his mouth and then I guess I squeezed my legs together and the doctor yelled at me to spread my legs (which I have NO recollection of) then she yelled to the nurses to get my legs apart (I remember that part, it freaked me out. I could tell she was panicked.) And then I pushed him out. What a release. She sucked out his mouth, quick as can be and handed him over. Greg cut the cord.
I couldn't believe how much he looked like Scarlet. I kept saying it over an over. Since then, the more time passes I don't think he looks much like Scarlet and their differences are more apparent everyday. Afterwards they stitched me and fussed around with me and it hurt SO BAD. I kept reacting and moving and gasping and my doctor would say, "I'm not doing anything. I'm only doing this, Megan." And it made me so mad because I just thought, "Well, whatever you're NOT doing, HURTS really bad!!!" But Greg thought she was more trying to assure me that she wasn't doing anything, not pretending that nothing was happening.
I was so used to everyone telling me when and how to do everything last time, that I was so unsure of everything this time. I wanted to nurse him right away, but kept waiting for someone to tell me to. I wish I would have earlier this time.
OH MY GOSH!!!!! Every time I nursed him OWCHIE!!!!! Contractions! Contractions! Contractions!!! It was so horrible! It was like my early labor! It sucked. I guess it gets worse and worse with every pregnancy? Hoorah.
Nursing seemed better from the start. It was clearly going better than with Scarlet, but I was panicking on and off, waiting for his weight check. He was peeing and pooing like crazy, so that assured me he was fine- but then he had a REALLY sleepy day and he doesn't eat NEARLY as long as he's "supposed to" and so I was a LITTLE concerned. But at his two week check up the goal is to be at birth weight and he was 9 oz beyond that! WOOHOO!!! Breastfeeding here we come! It was nice to know everything was working and that we could keep doing it.
Now that time has passed and the trauma isn't so FRESH, I've had time to reflect and I'm definitely planning on natural labors for all my future babes. For lots of reasons. I like not being hooked up to a million things. After he came, they bugged me WAY LESS than with Scarlet. Hardly any monitoring at all. Way more privacy. I liked having no fear of a spinal head ache or any other weird thing. I KNEW nothing unnatural had gone into or affected my baby, which was the main reason I wanted to do all this in the first place. Last time, my whole decision to get an epidural was based on fear. I was very afraid of the unknown. I didn't want to base my decision that way, this time. Once I had the desire to go natural, my only hesitation was, "CAN I do this?" Which is the most ridiculous question. My body was MADE to do this. Of COURSE I can.
Once I GOT into the hospital, everything was different. It was all so unnatural and I hated it. I couldn't WAIT to go home. Because of that point where I "lost it" I was so ashamed, like I couldn't be proud of my going natural. I felt like I'd only accomplished something if I was in control the whole time. But now that time has passed, I feel really great about it- like I did something. And I'm glad. I really do wonder what all my labors in the future will be like. These two were soooo different.
Recovery was NOTHING like last time. Right from the start. It's easy to assume, "Oh it's because you went natural." But I think it more has to do with being awake and in labor for 2+ days without sleep and then spinal headache pain for 4 more days and basically being in CONSTANT IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP PAIN for 6+ days in a row. THAT takes it's toll on a body. Just the 9 hours this time around took me a good week to recover. So times that by 6? No wonder it was so much harder last time.
Brighton is wonderful. He is such an easy going baby. I think he's even easier than Scarlet, which I didn't think was possible. She was an easy baby. Brighton really seems easier. It's interesting to learn their differences. Scarlet loved to be swaddled and loved her pacifier. Brighton doesn't really like being swaddled, most of the time he hates it and same with his pacifier. SOMETIMES he likes them, but most the time not. So different. Scarlet loved being stretched out, Brighton still likes to be in the fetal position. He loves just scrunching his whole body together, and it's totally weird sometimes. Greg will be holding him and he's all tucked against his chest and I think, "Yep, that is about how big my stomach was." And it's weird to think that's exactly what he looked like in my belly. Another difference is Scarlet really was attached to me from the beginning. It seemed she wanted to be held by me more and I could soothe her instantly. Brighton doesn't seem to care who holds him, he's really good with everybody.
It's awesome that I can nurse. I was really wanting to. I feel really blessed that he's a quick nurser. He doesn't even nurse 20 minutes a session, but it seems to be enough. He sleeps well and he's just good tempered. He only cries when he's hungry or fusses when he's tired and needs to sleep. He has really good wake periods. He'll have these days where it's all or nothing. Today, for instance, I'm pretty sure he didn't sleep for 8 hours straight. He just wouldn't nap!!! It was crazy! It put off my shower forever. And he was eating every 1 1/2 - 2 hours since 5am. He usually doesn't eat that often. He just kept needing more! But I suppose it's normal to have days like that. I was crazy worried I was going to get thrush, because I got it immediately with Scarlet and had it for months and didn't know it. Haven't gotten it yet- so I think we're gonna be good. Let's hope so. We're basically pain free at this point- which is great. I thought it was going to take longer to get to this point. Once in awhile it sort of pinches, but most of the time it doesn't.
Mom came out later than usual. Greg could only take time off right after the birth, so we had Mom come out a week later so we could stretch out the help. When she left my freezer was full and my house was clean. I couldn't believe how smooth the first day went! Dinner was a breeze and the day just flowed and I know it was all because of her! If my house was messy or I had to make dinner- OH it wouldn't have been as good of a day, if good at all. It was amazing! It was so nice just to spend time with Scarlet and have more interaction with her. I never realized that making her meals and cleaning her up made me feel so much more connected to her. We talk and touch through all of that and it made me sad when all that interaction was missing. So far she is loving Brighton. There hasn't been any jealousy or problems there and I'm starting to think it will stay that way.
Greg is out of town tonight. All by myself. Yesterday was my first day without Mom and I went to Target and Costco and everything went smoothly. And today I didn't fret about being alone with the kids all day and night. There's been bumps through out the day (like Scarlet taking off her poopy diaper in her crib and standing in a puddle of pee when I went to go pick her up. Poop all over her stuffed animals and her legs all wet, meanwhile Brighton is in the other room screaming to nurse-) but it's all been great and smooth. So much easier than last time. The last two years whenever I see some new mother who isn't haggard and is smiling and seems like nothing has changed and I think, "What! What is wrong with you! Are you a machine?" And I just couldn't wrap my head around it, because it was not my experience at all. But that's how I feel this time! It's crazy.
So many people have been reaching out to help me. I have been overwhelmed. I had no idea so many people were looking out for me. I feel really blessed and it's been such an example of how caring I need to be.
Brighton needs to eat. I've been putting off this post forever, so here it is, finished or not.
8 comments:
You are amazing Megan! Congrats on Brighton. Glad he got here safely. He does look so much like a boy version of Scarlet in those pics. So precious!
I'm surprised your first nurse hasn't been clobbered by some laboring woman if thats how she acts when someone is in labor. Definitely hasn't been there!
Thanks for sharing the birth story. I love reading them. It amazes me how different people's situations are for the "same" event.
I am so glad you got to go natural! I know you really wanted to. And now you know you can do it! That is amazing. It's crazy how your experiences with each birth were so different. My experiences varied because of random factors, but my body pretty much went through very similar things each time. The timing was pretty consistent for me. Especially with my last two. We will see how the next one goes. I am thinking about writing them all down. Some of them were so long ago, but I would love to have a record. I am so excited that nursing is going so smooth for you. That is such a blessing!
I just caught up on most of your blogs. Brighton is so amazing! By the way, love the name! Mom and I were by ourselves when we first found out about him and his name and we both just loved it. He looks so much like Scarlet. She was so cute with him. She just stared at him with a huge smile on her face. Love it. :) I wish I could meet him and see Scarlet! I think she was still a baby the last time we saw her. :( Thank goodness for blogs! I love you and Congrats!
I read all of it even though I think you told me most of that! It was fun hearing it again :) I think you are AMAZING and did such a good job! I can't wait to see more of Brighton!!! Love you!!
that was great! i've had to read it in chunks! Alot of what you said reminded me of my labor, and then other parts not. I'm so glad that it went so well, that you DID IT! and that he is sucha good nurser. I'm just so happy for you all around. I LOVE YOU! and miss you. and i'm glad you are able to do 2 kids, I feel the same way- how do they do it?! I don't get it, so it makes me feel hopeful knowing you are doing it and you're ok! love you!
oh and that idiot nurse who kept asking you questions during contractions?! OH MY GOSH I WOULD HAVE STRANGLED HER! WHAT A FREAKIN IDIOT! I am SOOOOOOOO sorry, and so impressed you didn't yell the crap out of her.
What a total DORK that nurse was, and I am so proud of you that you didn't hit her and knock her completly off her rocker. I am so happy for you YOU DID IT!!! You are amazing. He is so cute and I love how Scarlet loves him so cute both of them. He really looks like a boy. I love you and I missed seeing you with your sisters at the reunion. Hugs
You are Wonder Woman! Amazing birthing story and that nurse from honky-doo is lucky you are not a violent person. Congratulations on your wee lil man.
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