Thirty Seven and a Half Weeks

I am having a baby. There's not many more things a person can say that is huger than that. I suppose, to anyone that's NOT having the baby- it's no biggie. Everyone has babies. They have multiple babies. But I've never had a baby. I have never been lying on a bed, half naked, in a lot of pain and LITERALLY PUSHING A HUMAN BODY OUT OF MINE. Yeah, don't really know what that's gonna be like. And then I'll take this little body home. It will be MINE. If she cries, it's up to me to make her feel better. If she's hungry, I feed her out of my own breasts. If she poops I clean it up. Yes, yes this is all pretty obvious, but it's FREAKING ME OUT!!!! I feel like such a fool for ever thinking I was "SO READY" for this. I thought I was a pro already. What a fool I was. The closer this is getting, the more frequently "I have no idea what I'm doing" pops in my head or pops out of my mouth to Greg. I'm not TRULY afraid, I'm not dramatically worried, I'm not losing sleep over this. Just the thought of, "HOLY COW I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!" is really popping into my thoughts pretty frequently now. I don't know. It almost seems like no one should have this responsibility. I mean I'm in charge of another human's LIFE. What is a bigger deal than that? Anyway, that pretty much sums up those thoughts. As excited as I truly am, I am getting just as nervous. But I know it will all be fine. I have prepared the best I can and I'll trust in the Lord from here.

So my last day of work is TOMORROW!!!! I am sooooooooo glad. I am soooooooo sick of working. I shouldn't be working at all. 45 minutes into a weave and I feel like I'm going to pass out and the thoughts, "I shouldn't be doing this, I could faint" pop into my head, yet I continue. The last time I felt this way, I was really sick but went to work anyway and what happened? I cut off my knuckle. Really, in one snip I cut off a HUGE chunk of my finger and there it was, lying atop my scissors. That was a long time ago. Anyway, work. This time around it has been a very different journey. I have learned a lot in the aspect of not judging someone in their job. Sometimes, it just isn't working out, even if you're trying. I know I could have done better, I know I didn't try my absolute hardest- but I still thought I would've gotten much farther from my efforts. Oh well, it's done. And as much as I hate to say I only made $2000 in 6 months, hey- I still brought $2000 into this family and it's helped out a lot. I didn't work full time or even part time- but I was constantly "on call" and I just HATED it. I could never make plans and it made me SO ANXIOUS. The whole salon scenario was just not what I preferred at all. But I won't bother getting into that. I'm glad this season will be over tomorrow. And a new season will begin.

I can't believe I'm gonna be a stay at home Mom!!!! This has been my goal since I was a little girl. My Mom stayed at home and that was just always in the desired plan for me. I'm SOOOOOO glad and SOOOOOOO grateful I can do this and that my husband wants the same plan. I feel so blessed. I realize more and more how I'm lucky to be able to do this and that everybody doesn't have this option. It's SO WEIRD though for me! This plan has ALWAYS been in the works, it just hasn't been the time- and now HERE IT IS. WEIRD!!! So WEIRD to not have a job. Though I hate counting this year, if you include it I've been working almost 9 years! That's a long time to go and then SWOOSH! Over. Just like that and a new life with a new baby begins. What a different life it will be. I know some days are gonna suck, but I just can't wait to be home all the time. Does that sound terrible? I like that I'll be able to just pick a day to get together with my friends and I won't have to work around my work schedule and hope I don't get called in. I love that I'll be able to cook through out the day and clean when I can and everything when I can. There won't be deadlines! There won't be the feeling of NOW OR NEVER. I guess that's what I'm excited for. The world won't come to an end if the laundry waits for tomorrow, or the dishes or the cleaning. I guess that's what I like about it. Less daily pressure. The biggest "pressure" will be the baby and trying to do all those things right and I know it will be beyond difficult, but I don't know. I just feel really glad about being at home and all my work being at home. It's relieving to know I can do all my future work in my pajamas and if I have time and I want to, I can take a nap.

And GREG'S COMING HOME IN 3 WEEKS!!!! It's amazing how perspectives can change so dramatically. If Greg was going to be gone for 3 weeks last year, I would have DIED and thought nothing could be worse. But here we are, we've survived much longer and now 3 weeks is a breeze. I feel so blessed that's all that's left! Also, Greg's work schedule will be different. He'll work 3-4 days in a row where I should basically expect to not see him at all. Basically, a single Mom half the week. Who cares!!!! He'll be there the rest of the week! Before the academy this really stressed me out. But him living at the Academy the last 4 months- the thought of having him around 3-4 days in a row just sounds like such a treat! What more could I ask for?As much as I haven't LOVED the Academy, it's been a great prep for the career ahead and I feel so much more prepared.

I just know time is going to FLY by until the baby comes. This week I have all sorts of things I want to get in order around the house. Everything I've been meaning to get to with the house, the baby and my calling I'm going to tackle THIS WEEK. Then my sister Amy is visiting all next week! I'll have my baby shower! And then the week after that I should be having my baby any day, so I think I'll be pretty anxious- not to mention Greg graduates that Friday and can FINALLY come home PERMANENTLY. OH! What a good few weeks it will be. Let's just hope our lovely baby stays in the oven 'till the weekend Greg comes home. Then life will be perfect, and the chaos of a new baby and new career can begin!