Time to write it down

Alright, this is officially the longest post I've ever written. There are pictures at the bottom if you don't feel like reading a short novel.

First of all, my little sister, Amy, happened to be there when the whole thing started. So here is her version (from her blog). I really liked hearing it from her perspective. So here is her story in red and I'll add my bits and pieces afterward.

I prayed that I would get to be there when Megan went into labor, and I had a feeling that she was going to have her baby this week....and she did! She came Wednesday, Sep 8th, at 2:04 pm (I think) and she is 7 pounds 9 ounces (I think) I might be a few minutes off, or an ounce off. She is absolutely beautiful and perfect. The following information is not to flatter my sister or her husband, not to paint a pretty picture- but is the absolute truth: she is so beautiful! Oh my gosh, I can't tell you how I wish I lived closer so I could be near this baby! She has a full head of thick dark brown hair- it is as soft as can be- and her skin is so soft and smooth- and she smiled alot- she is just so so perfect. Mike thinks she looks like Kate when she was a baby, and I think i agree, but I would have to go back and look at the pics. Here is the story:

And I got permission from Megan saying I could say whatever I wanted.

So- the baby shower was set for Wednesday the 8th, her baby was due one week later. Megan didn't want to have the baby shower this late, but it's the way it worked out (such a bummer) so I came earlier to spend time with Megan, and throw the shower, and then stay another day, a total of almost a week. Well, in the meantime, Megan was getting very "nesty" in Randy's words (her father in law) and I just had a feeling that she was going to have the baby this week- you can ask everyone- it's the truth! And then, what do you know but Megan starts contracting Monday evening around 10:00 pm. It all happened when she went to the hospital at 10pm for a stress test! she was supposed to do it earlier that day and never did- so 10 at night she says "we need to go to the hospital to do my stress test, I was supposed to do it today"- it measures the baby's heart beat. She does this twice a week. So, she gets hooked up to the machine, and she goes "Ooo, that kind of hurt" - no biggie though. Then the nurse comes in and reads the monitor, and she says "You just had a contraction". So she checks Megan, but she is only dilated to 1 cm. So the nurse said, "you are probably just having false labor, pre- labor stuff, you aren't in labor, don't worry". So we go home, and I said "i think you're going to have the baby this week". Then, we go home and Megan keeps contracting, and it hurts, but we time her contractions and none of them were consistent, so I rub her back periodically and we go to bed at 2 am because she was so uncomfortable. Then she wakes up at 6 am Tuesday morning moaning, saying that she is in pain, and she is contracting. But again, we time them and they aren't regular. They were 6 min apart, then 2 minutes apart, then 5, then 4, then 3, then 6- etc. Not regular- but still pretty close together and around 50 seconds each- just not regular. And they told her not to come in until they were regular. So- we just sat around in the morning, going back and forth to timing them, to saying "Uhhhh this is pointless" being disappointed they weren't regular. She was in alot of pain when she would contract, but otherwise felt fine. Then mom got there at 2:30 pm, and Megan had almost a 2 hour break of no contractions, again- feeling disappointed, "i guess all that pain was for nothing, just contracting, no labor" but then they came back really strong- and basically all day Megan was in hell, contracting, but not regularly, getting frustrated repeatedly. Then the evening came, and it was to the point of crying, and moaning, and so much pain- so she called her doctor and explained everything, and the doctor said "they're not regular, you're just having false labor" and in a nice way said "you're gonna have to deal with it". Megan was so sad, and so disappointed because she was in so much pain. it was so hard for me and mom because we couldn't do anything for her. She didn't want to be touched, and she didn't want to hear "good job" "you're doing great" so there was just nothing we could do, except give the occasional back rub. Greg calls, and says "Mike and I are coming down" (Greg is in the police academy in salem) and Megan explained that the doctor said it was false labor and to not come down. THEN- we start a movie at 9:30pm, hoping to distract Megan, and she just can't do it anymore- and goes in her room, and just suffers! Then we went to bed, but when i got in Megan's bed, she wanted me to time the contractions again, and it got worse and worse, but again we timed it and it wasn't regular, so she cried saying- "I can't take it anymore, let's go to the hospital, I dont' care if they send me home, I have to know if it's real labor". And I'm beginning to think, geez, I know they're not regular contractions, but it doesn't seem like she should be in this much pain!!! So now it is somewhere between 1 and 2 am. So we go to the hospital, and she was dilated to a 3, and the nurse said- "you are in labor! call your husband"- so we all start laughing and freaking out- and Megan starts crying because she's so happy she finally gets to have her baby and that all that pain wasn't for nothing! and then she asked "when can I get my epidural!" the doc wanted her to wait a few more hours- so- keep in mind we haven't had any sleep, and we had only gotten 4 hours the previous night, her real contractions started 6 am, Tuesday, and now it's 2 am Wednesday- so she's been in labor for 20 hours. WITH NO SLEEP! so, Megan is exhausted, and so are we, because we haven't slept, and she can't get her epidural yet!!! And the contractions ofcourse were getting worse. So she got in the jacuzzi tub in her hospital room, and then she felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better. Like night and day. She still felt the contractions, but- it was soooooooooo much better. so she did that for a little over an hour- and then she got out- and they measured her again- and she was dilated to almost a 4, so they said they could break her water, and give her an epidural. So I watched them get what looked like a long yarning needle- and they broke her water, it was so weird. And then they gave her the epidural. After the epidural- true transformation! Megan had a smile on her face, she could finally relax, and she looked like she could finally fall asleep. The nurse came in and said, "could you feel that?" she said "no, why?" and the nurse smiled and said, "you just had a major contraction!" so we all smiled, and laughed because we were so happy that she wasn't in pain anymore!!!!!! over 24 hours of labor!!!!!!!!!!!! no epidural! Then- Greg and Mike arrived at 7 am, so Mike, Mom, and I went home to sleep, and Greg took over, and then we slept until about 12:30, waiting, waiting, waiting, for a phone call, waiting , waiting,....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We tried calling them, no answer, and finally- at 2:30pm, Greg called and said "we had the baby!" And then they wanted 2 hours to themselves, so we had to wait EVEN MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! And then finally around 4 something we went and saw Scarlet. Apparently she is a GREAT nurser, latched on immediately! So that is wonderful for the both of them.

When I walked into that room, I just could not believe how beautiful Scarlet was. She was so perfect and beautiful!!!!! The pictures DO NOT do her justice, because she is just so perfect and sweet. And surprisingly smiles alot! It was so cute! She has a head full of dark hair. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hated that I could only visit for 10 minutes (because Megan had to rest) I wanted to stay all day, and never leave! And I hate that I am 4 hours away! Way too far!

So Megan was in labor for 32 hours! And had an epidural for only 8 of it. I could not believe how tough she was. I was so inspired by her! She was so tough and just suffered through it, and was so strong! I was so impressed. None of it scared me, or made me weary, or nervous- I loved being there (besides being so tired) and none of the moaning or anything made me queasy or uncomfortable. But guess what did affect me? Her stupid IV!!!!!!! Something I have gotten a million times, no problem Bob, and she gets an IV, and for whatever reason, it made me light headed, and before I knew it- I was in the hallway, and I fainted! hahaa. I was in the room when I said, "uhhh guys, I'm really sorry, but I think I'm going to faint" and nobody really paid any attention, and then I said louder "I have to get out of here, I'm going to faint" and I get up- and mom grabs my arm, and before I know it we're in the hallway- and I'm going for the ground- and next thing I know- I'm on a couch laying down in a waiting room with a guy that says "I helped your mom lay you on the couch, I've been keeping an eye on you" hahahahaha. Oh brother. I have no idea what came over me. The only thing I can figure is that I had NO sleep, and was low on sugar/food, so I guess I was extra sensitive. So after I layed there for a few minutes- I went back in and I was perfectly fine again. We all laughed about it because I had freakin tubs hanging out of my arm for half a year! and I get IV's all the time- and my blood taken all the time- and Megan gets an IV and I faint. who knows.

I have never seen a labor up close before. I've only seen it in movies. It was incredible. The most excruciating pain, and then when the contraction is over, you're perfectly fine to the point that your saying "I don't think I'll need an epidural, this isn't that bad" and then you have another contraction, and you're saying "when can i get my epidural!!!!!!!!". It was incredible to see how quickly she could have pain, and then be fine again. I could totally see how people do it naturally- from when I watched Megan tough her way through it- and then I could totally see why people do epidurals! Because she was in so much pain, so exhausted, and then after her epidural she was calm, and could relax. She sold me on the epidural idea! I thought I would try to do it naturally and tough it out- but- after watching Megan, yowsa, who knows what I'll do- but I'm guessing I'll probably get an epidural. But at the same time, I could see how people do it naturally, because I know Megan could have done it, she was so incredible during her labor. And for so long!

I'm so glad I got to see everything so up close and personal! It was such a neat experience. Poor Megan kept saying "I'm sorry," and we're like "MEGAN YOU'RE IN LABOR- QUIT SAYING SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She was so sweet through the whole thing. It was funny though when she was having a contraction, we could not talk to her or touch her, if we tried, she'd say "STOP TALKING TO ME! I'M SORRY! BUT STOP TALKING TO ME!" it was funny, because she would apologize if she ever asked us to not do something, and we're like "MEGAN STOP APOLOGIZING!!!!!!!!!!" I thought she was so awesome in labor, I was so impressed.

I'm so glad Greg was able to make it in time, and still was able to be there for 7 more hours of the labor.

I was so relieved when i knew she was done! That she had the baby, and didn't have to do it anymore! And then when I saw the baby, oh my gosh- so sweet. You never know if you're going to think the baby is cute. Not all babies are cute, infact, I rarely think babies are that cute, not until they're older- but Scarlet was soooooo precious and beautiful, and i wish you could all just see her in real life because the pictures don't really do her justice. it was such a sweet experience. I'm so glad Megan shared it with me, and that I got to be there for all of it. Now, I just need to figure out how I'm going to see this baby again.........

I'm so glad I'm finally writing all of this down. I'm already forgetting so much. Through the whole experience, honestly, I thought, "I want to remember this and blog it!" So hopefully, my memory serves me well and the details are all correct.

First of all, it was hilarious being with Amy when the contractions started. Because it was all being documented on the graph, as it happened, she couldn't take her eyes off it. I was laying down on the hospital bed, all strapped to the monitors, and I'd look over at her and whether I felt it or not I knew when I was having a contraction because her eyes would bug out and she would get the BIGGEST smile and she looked just like a little kid who got her favorite present for Christmas. It was hilarious. She kept telling me, "You're gonna have the baby." And I just kept saying, "No way, I'm not." I was impressed with how relaxed I was about it all and just couldn't believe how the first time I had a braxton hicks (or so I thought) was when I happened to be hooked up to the machine. I take these tests twice a week and one graphs the baby's heartbeat and the other my contractions which has always stayed just a plain, non moving line. Suddenly it was up, down, up, down. It was weird. So she checks to see if I'm more dilated, which I wasn't. I mean, I'd only been contracting for a half hour. So we went home and Amy's on the phone with Mom all excited and I keep calm. So it all started out pretty mild, but it never stopped. I managed to "sort of sleep" for 4 hours. I woke up every half hour with a contraction so I don't know how much sleep I really got. I felt really bad. We went to bed at 2am and by 6am it hurt so bad there was no way I was going to sleep after that. So Amy got up with me and I'm pretty sure she made me food, or maybe she just talked with me. I don't remember. Either way, I just remember being really glad she was there and keeping me company, because it hurt. So poor Amy only got 4 hours of sleep too.

So on it continues and Mom comes over and I'm contracting ALL DAY. I managed to get a two hour nap in there around 6:30 pm, so I don't know if I didn't have any contractions then or if I somehow managed to just sleep through them. The whole time I'm thinking I'm in false labor because sometimes they're 2 minutes apart, sometimes 10, sometimes 5, etc. etc. They were NEVER consistent. But then I got to the point where I realized, "I've been having contractions nonstop ALL DAY, a good 16 hour stretch." So then I call in. They tell me it's false labor and to relax. Then it gets to the 24 hour point and I'm thinking, "Is this really normal to have false labor for so long?" I think I call in again and they tell me the same thing. At this point, I am really angry. All this pain for absolutely nothing? How can this be possible?! Talk about absolute Hell. So the night of, when I thought I was still having false labor, Greg knowing about this all day and the previous night, calls me and says, "I'm coming home. I'm coming right now." My first thought was, "Oh crap, this is really happening, isn't it?" Greg still had 2 weeks left in the Academy. Coming home and missing class/not finishing is NOT something to take lightly. And for Greg to just up and come home when the doctors keep telling us it's not the real deal meant that Greg felt really impressed that he should come home. And why would he feel that way unless it WAS going to happen? But since I was so stressed about him missing class for no reason, I called the doctor AGAIN only to hear the same old thing- false labor. The doctor was very convincing, so I call Greg and tell him to stay in Salem. We both were convinced and relaxed and he decided to stay the night at Mike's. This week he just happened to not have a car to get home. This way, he could rush over with Mike if I suddenly went into labor.

The rest of the night was absolute HELL. I'm pretty sure I cried because I was so upset. The whole thing seemed so unfair. I almost wanted Greg to come home just because I was in so much pain. I hated contracting. I'd be having a conversation with Mom or Amy and suddenly I'd close my eyes and tense up and if someone talked to me I hated it, but if they didn't, I just felt their eyes and I hated that too. Either way, to put it lightly, it STUNK. Mom and Amy put on a movie to distract me but I only lasted 5 minutes and I had to go in the bedroom to just exist in my pain. As much as I hated it, I just couldn't do it with other people anymore. On and on and on it continues. Well, 2:30am hits and I canNOT take it anymore. I'm so desperate and CRAZY that I say, "Let's go to the hospital." The whole time I'm thinking, "They're just going to send me back and it's going to be awful." But I just couldn't take it anymore. It was too much pain and it wasn't stopping. What if it went on for days? I've officially been contracting for 29 hours. NONSTOP. How much can a girl take?

So I walk in the emergency room and it's completely empty and quiet. They take me immediately and put me in a wheel chair. As I'm wheeling thru the hospital I see a girl I met a few weeks ago at a party and she's crying in the arms of her husband, clearly in labor as well. How random is that? We get to the birthing center and then there's PAPERWORK. Are you kidding me? To say I'm stir crazy is just the wrong term, but I just couldn't hold still. I felt like I was all over the place because I just kept moving to try and not feel the pain. Finally they bring me to a room and I think they're gonna check me immediately. NO. They check my blood pressure and talk to me and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor I talked to on the phone comes in and checks me. I was glad it didn't bother me that he was a man. I've always avoided men doctors for that part of my body. But at the same time, it convinced me that I still don't want a man doctor down there. He said I was dilated to a 3 and I ask, "Am I in labor?" And he said yes and I immediately started crying and asked if I should call my husband. The next question, and who knows if these are in order, was, "When can I have an epidural?" But all these questions were pressing and I was so glad to FINALLY have the answers. I immediately call Greg and am crying so hard I can barely speak. I was just SO RELIEVED that all that pain wasn't for nothing. The I WAS going to have this baby and the pain IS going somewhere. Greg and I's conversation was about 10 seconds and he just said, "I'm on my way." I just will never forget the relief I felt, lying there, knowing I was going to have the baby that night.

Side note: Greg slept at Mike's that night. He was going to come home anyway, but I stopped him. I was mad at myself that I didn't just let him go with his wonderful instinct and he would've been with me for the worst part of my labor. But oh well, live an learn. ALSO. Greg has this way of forgetting to take his phone off vibrate. He also somehow forget he left his phone in another ROOM when he went to sleep. He woke up in the middle of the night, realized his phone was in the next room, got up, walked over to pick it up (and yes, it was only on VIBRATE!!!!) and immediately the phone vibrates because I'm calling to tell him I'm in labor and to come home.

The doctor convinced me to wait for my epidural. So I stuck it out another 4 hours and soaked in the tub. It was soooooo nice. It made the labor SOOOOOOOOOO much easier. It still hurt, it was still labor- but instead of me thinking, "I'm going to die, I can't take this anymore!!!!" it felt more like, "This hurts, ok, I can do this." I stopped moaning in agony and just sat in quiet pain and waited for it to pass. SUCH a difference. The thing that ticks me off about it all, is I read OVER AND OVER that pregnant women can't take hot baths. That if it feels hot to the touch, it's too hot for the baby. And who wants to take a lukewarm bath? So I haven't taken one in 9 months. Also, I didn't take one when I was in labor at home for the same reason. Well, the hospital said the temperature was controlled so that it couldn't be too hot for me. WOWSA IT GOT HOT!!!!! It got TOO hot! I was SOOOOOOOOO mad that this whole time I could've been taking incredible soothing baths. ARGH!!!!! I was seriously mad. I kept mentioning it. But! I have a big tub at home, so NEXT TIME- I'm doing my labor in the tub until I can go to the hospital. What a difference. I'm glad my family is pretty comfortable with each other, because I basically got naked and sat in a tub and my Mom and sister brought in chairs to talk with me. Something about labor, and I expected it to be this way, I barely noticed I was naked at all. I'm not that shy anyways, but it was much more amplified in this situation.

I kinda waffled back and forth, wondering, should I even get the epidural? I've always had the thought, "Why put yourself thru pain if you don't have to?" What is the point? I've always thought strongly about this. But, I sort of wondered if I could do without the medication. But when I was sick of being in the bath and the pains were getting stronger and I thought, "Yeah, I don't wanna do this anymore." So I got out and asked for the epidural. At this point, 33 hours of labor- all natural, no medication. 90% of the reason I was wanting an epidural is I hadn't slept in 2 days! How was I supposed to push this baby out? I was exhausted!

So the epidural, no biggie. I know I have a particularly strong tolerance for needles, but everyone always freaks out about it, so I thought I might actually be bothered by this one. You don't even feel anything! Why does everyone complain? The IV in my hand hurt WAY WORSE when they put it in. However, something strange did happen when they put it in. It was BIZARRE. I don't know if THIS is why I had that spinal headache (we'll get to that later) or if it's just random. So they have you sit up on the bed and hunch forward. So she's pushin' it in and I feel pressure, but no biggie. Then out of nowhere- ZAP!!!! There is this SHOCK feeling, like I'm being ZAPPED all the way down my left leg. From my hip to my toes and my whole body JERKS. And when I say jerk, I mean like my whole body jerks all crazy and big and everyone freaks out and was like, "What was that?" And I described it and then they tell me to hold still, and I felt like they were mad, but I honestly couldn't control it. I didn't even know it was coming! It was just a reaction, my body just DID it. So that was really weird.

Ok, epidurals are WEIRD. I mean, within minutes I could feel my body numbing. That's what it feels like. Like when you go to the dentist and the side of your face is numb and you can touch your face and you can feel it, but it's numb and feels weird. THAT'S what it feels like! Like, I'd have an itch and go to scratch it and it WOULDN'T WORK because I couldn't feel my nails scratching me! I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how it was. Ok, also, the medicine, you have to flip flop on each side because it will settle in your body and numb the lower half more than the upper half. Don't you think that's bizarre?! Ok, also- last bit- it numbs your body so much you can't move. I knew this, but it was different than I thought it would be. You don't know you can't move until you try to. Like a nurse and Greg had to flip flop me. It was soooooo weird. Also, this was weird too. Right when they gave it to me, I suddenly felt like I was being knocked out. I could feel myself going to sleep and I couldn't stop myself. It felt so forceful it really scared me. Then I told the nurse and she said it was because my blood pressure suddenly went really low. I guess epidurals lower blood pressure, and mine is already low to begin with. SO! That's enough of that.

I was sooooo excited to get the epidural so I could sleep. WRONG. I might have slept a half hour. I have no idea. I kept, drifting off and then I would jerk back into reality. It was horrible. I hated it so much. All I wanted to do was sleep, but my body just wouldn't let me. I guess my labor was progressing really well so they didn't have to give me any other drugs. It was just waiting.

I have NO idea when I started pushing. Greg told me I pushed for 2+ hours. How do people know these things? Do they check the clock before they push? Because that's not what was on MY mind at the time. I was sort of afraid to start pushing. They were sort of debating whether to start or wait a little bit longer at one point and I wanted to wait. I was fine for waiting. I was a little afraid. So PUSHING. Talk about a horrid experience. I will do better next time. For whatever reason, I thought I was gonna be an awesome pusher. I learned in my class that women push wrong and don't realize it and blah blah. I always thought it was weird, like pushing was such a natural, easy thing to do- how could it be difficult? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!!! I hated it from the very first push. First of all, I just couldn't push as long as they wanted me to. It was IMPOSSIBLE!!!! I ran out of breath! I ran out of strength! I didn't know HOW people could do it the right way. Also, they wanted me to hold my legs up with my arms in a very particular position. They wanted my elbows out and my head tucked in. None of this felt natural, and I felt more strength with my head back. Holding my legs up was SO DIFFICULT. Remember, my legs muscles were no longer working, I mean NOT AT ALL. Greg had to lift my leg and in a sense, hand it to me- every single time. Think about legs. They're half your body! Heavy stuff! I distinctly remember after my very first push, my arms were EXHAUSTED and I thought, "I can't even do that one more time." But they kept making me and somehow I did it. I'll never know how, because it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. So I'd push and push and push and then wait a few minutes and then push again. By the end I was pushing so hard, I don't know what was coming out of my mouth. Some kind of gurgling, grunty, running out of breath, I don't even know kind of sound. It was a new sound. One that I'd never made before. And it always came out on my 3rd push. Because I'd push three times, right in a row. By the third I was always so beat. They always wanted me to push the longest on my third, but by then I had nothing left. After I was almost done, they caught on that I had the most steam on my first push, so we focused on that and I was so grateful. It was really weird, because I was so frustrated with the position they kept telling me to get in, but by the end I started to realize it worked and that's why they had me do it. I'd be pushing as hard as I could and they kept "directing me" saying "push like this" and "feel my fingers? Push right here" and I'd think "I AM! I AM!!!!" But apparently I wasn't or they wouldn't be saying things like that. It was soooooo frustrating.

Pushing was so strange, because I'd push push push and then we'd all just hang out for awhile. I couldn't believe how CALM the whole situation was. I kept noticing how the doctor and nurse were so nonchalant about the whole thing. They may as well have been doing their taxes! But I mean, that's better than the frenzy they show in movies. I LOVED my doctor AND nurse. They were strong women. Confident. They clearly knew what they were doing and always said the right things to me. At the VERY END of my pushing this random nurse came in. I have no idea why. I hated her. Hate, is not the right word. I guess I hated that she was THERE. I'd gone thru this whole thing with these two women, and out of NO WHERE this bubbly woman comes in and starts SAYING things to me! "Good job! Keep it up!" I don't know what else, but she was bubbly and I was NOT in the mood for bubbly. These other women were SERIOUS, but in a good way and I wanted to scream at this woman, "GO AWAY!!!!" I finally did say SOMETHING like, "Stop talking." I don't know what I said, but I think I just asked her to stop. I might have said please. And then I think she did stop talking. I felt bad because she was only being nice but it was HORRIBLY bothersome.

Alright, so somewhere towards the end they say that they can see a head of dark hair. I loved it. I said, "Now I know she's mine!" I was saying earlier, "What if she doesn't feel like she's mine? What if she looks nothing like me?" And the hair, I knew that was from me and it made me happy. I couldn't believe they could see her head and I couldn't. It was weird. They got this giant mirror and brought it in and I SAW IT. It was weird how you could see it. In classes they talked about getting the mirror to see the baby and I didn't think I'd want to and thought it would freak me out. It was just unreal. Somewhere while she was partially out, Greg was like, "Meg, she's almost out!" And they had me touch her head. Another thing I thought I'd NEVER do. I reached down and could totally feel her hair. I couldn't believe how much of her was out of me! It was insane! It felt like she was an inch out! It was the strangest thing. Ok, this is the worst part. Actually pushing her out. It was like torture that should be illegal somehow. The whole time you're pushing, it's no big deal. You don't feel ANYTHING. It's just the most difficult work out you'll ever experience. But when she escapes your body- OUCH!!! Alright, all I know it suddenly you push and you feel it. And when I say you feel it, you feel as if your crotch has been lit on fire. And no one is blowing it out. You're just lit and you have to sit there and endure it. Once this happened the routine continued, as in push and then wait. This is the point where I started to freak out. I don't know how long THIS part of the process happened, 10 minutes? I don't know. But it was inhuman. That's all I could think. Everyone was standing around, waiting for the next contraction to push and I was in turmoil thinking, "How can I just be lying here like this? How can they expect this of me? This is INHUMAN!!! MY CROTCH IS ON FIRE!!!" After a couple pushes like this I started to say my thoughts out loud. Then I started to beg, "Can I push?" Then I might have yelled, "I want to get her out of me!!!!" A few times. I'm not really sure how it all went down, but I started to feel a little crazy. And then she came out. I'm not even sure I KNEW she came out. I'm pretty sure Greg told me and that's how I knew. But a second later up she came and was in my arms. I don't know how to say how it felt. It just didn't feel real. The whole thing. I just don't know. They put her up on me and I remember thinking she was really clean and not gross at all. She was slimy, of course, but not what you see in the movies. She also seemed really chubby to me. I couldn't believe how squishy and big she was for a newborn. Like she wasn't ugly or wrinkly or shriveled. I was thrilled, but it was so unexpected. I just kept saying how she was pretty and held her. The whole time I just thought how it didn't feel like I thought it would. I don't think she cried right away. I think she didn't until a few seconds after she was on top of me and they fussed with her mouth and then she cried. I remember looking at Greg and noticed a slight panic leave his face, and I thought, "He was worried and I didn't even notice something was wrong," but I could be mistaken. Maybe that was all in my head.

I must say, the WHOLE experience was surreal. It was NOTHING what I thought it would be, from the first contraction to the moment they put Scarlet in my arms. I kept thinking that the whole time too. The whole thing was a lot more RELAXED than I thought it would be.

They took her away to clean and soon enough it was time to nurse. I think I remember wishing I could put it off and nap first, but knowing I couldn't. My nurse was AWSOME. Her name was Gwen and I will NEVER forget her. I loved her SO MUCH. She taught me how to nurse. She basically did the whole thing and I just watched. She told me that Scarlet was already catching on really well, as if it was more than most babies do. That was thrilling. I couldn't believe how aggressive, in a way, she was being with Scarlet. As soon as she would open her mouth she would immediately slam her head into my breast. I just thought it was so crazy! But it worked! I was so tired and in so much pain it was really difficult to even look down and watch or hold Scarlet at all while she was doing this. When I told her, she said it was ok and that she would take care of the nursing for me. I was so relieved. She was the ONLY NURSE that took me seriously when I said I was in pain and allowed me to rest. I was so grateful. Nursing was another surreal thing. I was totally doing it and looked down at Scarlet and just thought, "I'm nursing."

On to the so called recovery and new nurses that STUNK. I HATED my next nurse. So immediately after the delivery, my body was in SO MUCH PAIN. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't hold Scarlet, I thought my arms were going to fall off. My neck hurt, my back hurt. It felt like I had seriously injured myself. I thought, maybe I had done some serious damage to my muscles. I kept saying this to people, but they didn't get it. They would just say, "I know, you've been through a lot." But they didn't get it. Something was seriously wrong. I remember my next nurse was there for the second nursing and I tried to tell her, "I CAN'T DO THIS. Please, can you do it for me. I need more help than this." And she just replied, "I know you're in pain, but this is about your baby right now." OH MY GOSH! You think I care more about myself than my baby, woman?! You're a moron if that's what you think my complaints are about. I mean I PHYSICALLY CAN'T DO THIS. I may actually DROP her because my muscles will literally give out. But ah, no one listened to me. This "no one listening to me" seemed to continue on and on. Well, soon enough they prescribe me some percocet, which helped SO MUCH- for 30 minutes. After that, everything just started to hurt again and I'd have to endure it for another few hours 'till I could take some more. I still had a lot of trouble sleeping. I would doze off for 30 seconds only to be zapped back into awakeness, or I'd be in so much pain it would be impossible to relax. Somehow, by the next day, my neck and muscles felt a lot better, so I went home without the drugs. BIG MISTAKE.

Very quickly after I get home the pain comes BACK, FULL FORCE. I think it took us 'till the next day to break down and ask for more drugs. It took HOURS. There was all these mistakes that kept happening with the pharmacy that prolonged the wait. I was dying. Everything hurt so bad. Every time I moved my back would spasm. I couldn't be around Scarlet because I was in constant pain. FI NALLY, Greg came home with Vicodin and I was thrilled. I'd never taken it before, but it seemed like a heavy duty drug, so the pain should be gone, right? WRONG!!!! Everytime I talked to a doctor they would ask, "From one to ten where is the pain level?" I have always loathed this question. I think it's hard to answer. It had never been so easy. TEN. Without a doubt, the pain is a 10, maybe 11 or 12. So the vicodin took the pain from a ten, to a 9? Nine and a half? It was still HORRIBLE. So the next day we call in and they say to double the dose and that if it doesn't help, something is wrong and to bring me to the emergency room. Meanwhile, they are always asking if I have headaches, which I thought was odd, but I always replied no because I thought my headache sprung form my muscle aches which felt way more over powering than my head ever felt at the time.

So on it goes. The vicodin helped me sleep, that's for sure and for awhile it seemed it might be helping. But again, it helped bring the pain from a 9 and a half to a 9. I was starting to think if this wasn't helping, then nothing would. I did NOT want to go to the hospital for them to not figure anything out, only to keep me away from Scarlet, whom needed me to feed her. All of this panicked me. Well, somewhere towards the 3rd or 4th day of this I realize that EVERYTIME I get up, everytime I SIT UP, I get this instant RUSH and my head THROBS. It instantly feels like my head is in a VICE and it's PUSHING, PUSHING, PUSHING on my scull and it might just crack. EVERY TIME this happens and it happens INSTANTLY. It feels so bad I think to myself, "This feels WRONG. Something is NOT RIGHT. This is not normal pain." I think, "It feels like something must be BROKEN in there." But I didn't break anything. I know I didn't. It felt like something was off at the base of my skull. Like some bone was stabbing something in there that it shouldn't. So we start to wonder if something got majorly misaligned during all of the pushing. So a lovely man from the Rogue River Branch comes into his office on his day off, really early, to help me out. Before he even works on me I throw up in his office. How wonderful. That's how bad the pain was, it was now making me nauseous enough to barf in a very public place. He feels around and says that he could make a few adjustments, but that nothing was really wrong. So that didn't give me much comfort. So he cracks me 4 or so times and I go home to barf AGAIN. Well, my body thought it was barfing but nothing came out.

Oh yes. Let's not forget that my body hurt so bad that Greg and Mom had to handle all the nursing for me. Imagine me sitting up, tears streaming down my face constantly because I'm in so much pain and Greg and Mom, hands everywhere, trying to get little Scarlet to latch on and nurse. The longer I sat up, though, the longer my head throbbed and I knew she still needed to eat, but after a few times like this, I finally gave into the pain and said, "I can't do this anymore. We have to stop." Which was horrible, because the last thing I ever imagined myself doing was withhold my child from any food, but the pain just became impossible to bear. So then we started having me lay on my side and them fussing over me. I couldn't even look down and I could hardly hold her in close to me, because everything just hurt. Every time I moved, searing pain would shoot through my upper back. Oh it was horrible. Also, it got to the point that I had to be fed on my back. I cannot tell you how much food got in my hair and all over me, but there was just no other way to do it. Even taking bites hurt if I opened my mouth too big.

It was the worst, because I couldn't be upright, that much was clear, but I'd have to pee or eat, or feed Scarlet and so that would spark the pain and I'd lay down immediately, but it would throb no matter how I lay. So I'd scream for the heating pad, or ice and TONS OF MUSCLE CREAM. Oh we went through almost a whole tube of that stuff. And then I'd just lay there, as still as I could, crying my eyes out and after 20 minutes of enduring, it would start to fade away, little by little. But it would take so long I would hope, "Maybe if I roll on my side, it will go away. Maybe I'm in a bad position?" Oh, mistake everytime. If I'd lay still, it would hurt. If I moved it would hurt. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. Through all of this the thought, "This is so much worse than the labor," kept rushing through my mind. Over and over again. But I never said it out loud, because that sounded crazy. How could it be worse than labor? That's what we compare every pain to. Nothing's worse than labor. But I'd JUST BEEN THROUGH LABOR and all I could think was that was a piece of cake compared to this pain I felt.

Well, after the double dose of vicodin doing almost nothing and everytime I'd sit up I'd spasm, spasm, spasm 5 times in a row, hardly being able to move an inch and then just sit there and cry in agony, we decide- it's time to go to the hospital. Before we actually go, Scarlet went to her first appointment with the pediatrician and somehow a nurse hears Greg talk about my condition and she says it may be from my epidural and to take me to the hospital. So we call my doc and figure it may be a spinal headache. The biggest symptom of this spinal headache is an immediate headache when in an upright position. Being that I was constantly laying down, except to nurse, eat or pee, it took me a good 4 days to realize this was happening. I did get headaches, but as soon as I laid down, which was ALL THE TIME, they went away. What didn't go away was all the muscle spasms and muscle pain. But once we figured it out, we went to the ER and I dared to hope. Going to the ER was horrible. I was in so much pain. I really wanted to lay down, but there weren't any couches. I know I'm a broken record but I just kept being amazed at how much pain my little body was in. I just thought, "How is this possible? This just shouldn't be possible." So they bring in a breast pump because Scarlet needed to eat soon. That was a little interesting. So it takes awhile, but they eventually to a blood patch. Basically, somehow my spinal cord got nicked when they did my epidural, or when they took it out, I don't know which and then it started leaking spinal fluid, which only leaks when I'm upright. When I lay down, it stops leaking and therefor stops hurting. So to fix it they took some blood from my arm and inserted it into my spine, exactly where my epidural was. Then it clots and stops the leak and VIOLA!!!! PAIN GONE!!!! Just like that. It was amazing. I entered the hospital, barely able to walk and I literally wanted to skip in the parking lot. I felt amazing. I couldn't stop smiling. It was weird, because the whole thing was sort of a guess. They said even if it WAS a spinal headache, the blood patch might not work, and if it DID work, that's how we would know that's what it was. So as I sat up after they did it, I thought, "I should have a headache right now, but I don't." I kept waiting for it to happen and it didn't. I was afraid to say that it worked, just incase it came back. They said sometimes it DOES come back and they have to do the patch again. This I was afraid of. But the more time passed, the more it was obvious that my headache wasn't coming back. What a miracle it was. If only we realized it on day 2 instead of day 4. That was a lot of pain that could have been avoided. But oh well, it was gone now and I couldn't have been more grateful.

I tell you, after all this, I felt like a changed woman. Pain changes a person. Pain from labor and then pain from this stupid spinal headache. I never knew I was so strong. I felt like Superwoman. Also, suddenly all that muscle pain- GONE. Just like that. The whole time I thought my headaches were from my muscles and it was completely the other way around. Suddenly all my pain was gone and no more spasms or shooting pain here or there. I was SORE, but that was all. So suddenly going from heavy doses of vicodin doing absolutely nothing, to IBUPROFEN handling all of my pain just fine. Wow.

It was crazy, because I was TERRIFIED to go to the bathroom after the delivery, but being hopped up on all those drugs, it was no biggie. Then after all THAT wore off- YOWSA! Ouchy ouchy ouchy. Just sitting down was a horrible thing. Coughing- OUCH!!!! It felt like I was ripping open again everytime I coughed or laughed, it was TERRIBLE. I could even say terrifying. Thank goodness, that has all eased now, because that was no fun at all.

As for epidurals, I'm never going to have one again. That's something I NEVER thought I'd say. I'm not worried that I'll have the spinal headache again. They reassured me of that, saying it was very rare- though I have met many people already that have had it. I just HATE that it messed with my body like that. I hate that I had no control over it. I hate knowing that other things can go wrong besides a headache as an after effect of an epidural. This whole experience has made me realize how unnatural the whole thing is and I don't like it. I don't want something that can mess with my body like that ever again. It took me a few days to say this fully. It was a pretty immediate thought once the pain was fixed and I could think straight again. But it being such a foreign sentence to me, I couldn't say it was a definite. But as each day passed, the more it became solid in my mind and I know that I could have another 40 hour labor and beg for some relief but I'm going to hope it's NOT 40 hours, and that even if it is, I can pull through.

This experience has made me judge people's pain less and hopefully I'll always remember this and take them completely seriously. In the past when people have mentioned things, I'd think, "Yeah, yeah. Get over it already." This was never something I could just "get over." I kept telling people over and over what I felt, but no one ever got it. It felt like no one believed me. The pain was so constant, when it finally left, it felt like a miracle. Like, it didn't feel normal to not feel pain anymore. It had become so permanently attached to me. I just kept thinking of people I DO know that have chronic pain and my heart has never gone out to them so much before. I've never realized what it meant to have chronic pain, and mine only lasted 4 days.

Picture time!

This girl seriously smiles all the time! It's great! We love it!

Isn't Greg just glowing in this picture? I love how much he loves her!

Happy new family!

I remember feeling really happy when Mom was taking these pictures. I felt my happiness glowing from me.

Aunty Amy

Grandma Arnold

These pictures are from Randy

Everyone kept assuming I didn't want my picture taken. I didn't care. Everyone has these pictures. No one ever looks glamourous. The way I see it, I'd just accomplished the greatest physical task of my life. Let's document it!

Pat and Randy brought food. I had no idea Randy was taking so many pictures. In all my candids I tend to have this rude face on. I hope I don't always look this way.

I think she looks so cute in her bed. Even though I think the beds are weird, like she's in a testing lab.

This is a great one.

Ah.

Another good one.

I think this one is kind of funny. I can't believe what a chunker she is in these pics! She is so much scrawnier now!

I WISH I was sleeping here. Who knows, maybe I was. The next 5 days was just a constant attempt, but failure, to sleep.

These are some shots from home.

She's so much fatter here!

This is what my baby looks like, though she's startin' to pack it on a little more now.

Oh I just love her. She is such a sweet heart. Honestly, this girl never cries. She is a GREAT sleeper. Some nights, she has slept constantly. She'll sleep until I wake her to eat, and then she'll just go right back down. And even on the bad nights, she'll just stay awake for an hour or so, which is horrible, because it will be between 1am and 3:30am, when I'm really wanting to sleep, but hey- it's better than staying up all night, right? We feel really blessed. She only cries when something's wrong and then as soon as it's fixed, she stops. The worst is when she has gas, but even if it still hurts her, as long as we're holding her and trying to help, she stops crying and just waits it out with us. She's such a trooper. We love her so much. She always seems so content and happy. We got a good one.