I'm a little Piggy

I'm staring at a pan of brownies that is completely empty. It IS 9x9, but none the less, it is empty and I'm realizing, now, it is ME that has eaten the whole thing. I'm pretty sure Greg left for work before the first piece was taken. I've been up since 5am and have been saying every hour, I'm going to work out, I'm going to work out. But here it is, 8pm and I haven't. I am 25 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant. 25 POUNDS!!!! People are always telling me how great I look, but I want to look as great as I did BEFORE I got pregnant- or darn close. NOTHING fits!!! I mean, 2 shirts fit well enough to wear in public- though one has a nice stain right on the front (that's how desperate I am to fit into something). The other shirt is really tight on my arm pits and really hurts by the end of the day. This is what my wardrobe consists of. So I finally went shopping and it is NOT the same. Right before I got pregnant I got on Weight Watchers and lost 12 pounds and loved how I looked. I think I was a size 8??? Now I'm a size 12. It's not the end of the WORLD or anything, but shopping is a whole new experience. A depressing experience. But honestly, I try on a pair of pants and the legs feel great, but I can't button the top without creating this luscious ROLL. Who wants that? Anyway, I've got to lose this "extra-ness" that has come along with little Scarlet. It MUST GO AWAY!!! Otherwise, I'll gain another 25 with the NEXT one and I do NOT want to be looking at 50 big ones in a couple years. I'm so frustrated. I WANT to eat my brownies. It's HARD to push myself while working out. I know, I'm a cry baby and need to get OVER it and "man up" and work out and stop being such a freakin' pig. I've just never faced these trials before. I wish I didn't have to face them. But they're not going away and I hate looking in the mirror. I'm starting to understand other girls that would complain about their looks and I'd think, "You look great! Get over it!" Anyway, enough about that.

Little Scarlet has finally got some weight on her. She's 9 pounds 2 ounces as of today. She gained just under a pound just this week, alone. I got this little idea of, "MAYBE I'll try to nurse again and meet with a lactation consultant." I obsessively researched on the internet as to why Scarlet can't get any milk from me when it is there for the getting. I found maybe she's NOT latching as she should and that can prevent her from getting enough milk. Hmmm . . . there's other crazy methods I could try that I thought I never would before, but when I nursed today she was FREAKING OUT and SCREAMING and would NOT keep nursing. She did at first, but somewhere in the middle everything went BESERK and then I thought, "What am I doing to this poor girl?" I don't know. I keep going back and forth. I wish I had all the answers. The longer this mother thing is going on, the more frequently the words, "I have no idea what I'm doing" are escaping my mouth. I had no idea I was so incompetent. I mean, I'm not an idiot, she's a very happy baby so we're obviously doing a lot of things right, but so often, something will come up and I'm like, "Should I be doing this? Should I be doing something else? What should I do? What's the best? What if this happens? What if that?" And then the familiar words . . . I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't believe anyone can just have a baby, that seems INSANE!!!! Drug addicts and drunks. I feel so bad for babies that must be ignored because they're high or out of it and don't take care of their baby. It breaks my heart. I hate when Scarlet cries and I just think of other little scrunched up faces but no one trying to soothe them and just being left alone to cry. It must happen. It's the most horrible thing I can think of. No wonder so many kids/people are screwed up. If that's the first way the world treats you, that's gonna effect the way you treat people. So unfair.

She had her first shots today. She did very well, as she always does. Right when we were getting ready I got teary and sad for her. But she was fine. Holy crap those needles!!!! Ok, I never SEE my shots. I had no idea they put the WHOLE FREAKIN' NEEDLE IN!!!! No WONDER people hate shots so much! Those needles were the size of her thigh and they went all the way in!!! How they didn't pop out on the other side is beyond me. Holy crap, my poor child every human being that has to have shots. I just didn't realize that's how shots worked. For whatever reason I thought they just prick you. No wonder they never bothered me before, I didn't know what was even happening!!!

I really want to go to JoAnn's and buy fabric to try and mimic some baby clothes at Target. Pretty ambitious, I know, but after my rocker success, I feel I can accomplish anything! But she's really fussy from the shots and she'll either sleep while I'm there, or scream her little head off as she was doing not too long ago. What to dooooooo????