Finished project. It probably looks the same, but now it has arm padding and a finished ottoman. It looks so awesome and I am so proud of myself. I think it looks expensive, like something you'd get at Pottery Barn and I can't WAIT to make more things. I'm so sick of the white walls. This house looks nothing like us. I want it to feel like us. Greg's next project is our plain and boring kitchen table. If it turns out, you'll all be wowed. Our taste is pretty loud and you'll be really surprised.
This is a great cabinet that we got for free from a woman in the ward, when we moved. It was a very light wood with ugly gold handles. Greg painted it and put new handles and knobs on it and it looks so nice now!!! What a difference paint and new hardware can do! I wish we had a before picture. It wasn't the most attractive thing.
Can you tell we like red? Can you believe we're still tempted to paint OTHER things red still?
So nursing has come to an official stop. On Monday we took her in to discover she'd only gained 3 ounces in 3 and a half weeks. She should've gained a good 13 ounces. That's less than 25%. Back to the bottle for 3 days and she gained 11 ounces. Well, hanging on to the hope of nursing and knowing she had her 2 month check up just one week later, we decide I can give nursing one last chance. Well, I nurse and supplement with milk a few days and then she seems fine to just nurse only for a couple days. Except by day 2 she stops pooping completely. Hmm . . . and she's starting to a little more fussy. So, finally last night I nurse her for 45 minutes and then offer her a bottle immediately afterwards and she drinks 3 ounces, which is basically her entire meal. Hmm . . . that couldn't have made it more clear. I have milk. I've always been able to pump, no problem. She's just not good at getting it from me. It's weird. From the very start of our weight issues, the doc mentioned that could be the problem but I just thought that was weird. Looking back on it all logically, it seems so obvious that nursing wasn't getting us anywhere. She has ONLY gained with the bottle. From the very start, day 3, she had lost more than she was supposed to. We happened to put her on a bottle for ONE night and she gained 3 ounces. Then she lost OVER A POUND over the next 3 weeks. Put her on the bottle AGAIN and she gained almost a pound in only 5 days. Then we thought we were on track and nursed again to only gain a measly 3 ounces over a 3-4 weeks period. But I kept making excused. Maybe the first time she lost weight because of my spinal headache/stress and I lost my milk and that's why she lost. The second time we realized she hadn't gained I convinced myself it was because I had stretched her feedings too far apart and started to let her sleep through the night. Nope, nope, nope. She just can't suck enough out of me, I guess. It's amazing how she responds to food though. She gains SO FAST!!!! She just wasn't getting any from me. So back to the loathed pump that I must now make friends with. I don't know if it will hold up, since I'm only going to pump 2 times a day. Maybe 3 if I'm feeling up to it. My goal is to make it through the winter to help her fight the germs. It would be great if I could pump all year, but I'm just trying to be realistic.
The whole struggle of nursing, I was almost hoping that it wouldn't work and I could just switch to the bottle because it's clear how much she's getting and I know it works for her. But once it was official I got really sad, especially knowing I would never nurse her again, just like that, not even one more time. It made me really sad. We had JUST gotten to the good phase of nursing too. It hurt for so long and then right when it became painless and a little enjoyable, then the stress of, "Is she getting enough from me?" kicked in. The whole thing has been an agonizing process. One day we have great nursing sessions (or so I thought) and I think, "Wow, we're there! This is working! She's definitely getting enough," to . . . "Oh, she's not growing at ALL???? I guess it wasn't working after all." Pretty disappointing and makes me feel like a fool for thinking something was working when it wasn't. I'm realizing, though, that so many women have gone through some version of my story and it makes me feel better, like I'm not alone in my struggles and ALSO that I'll very likely be able to nurse my next without any problems. It just makes me sad that Scarlet won't be able to get as much nutrition and she should be. But I'm pretty sure she'll be ok. Knowing I'm no longer nursing gives me these sudden realizations of freedom and it's WEIRD. I could be gone for weeks or months and she's have no problem surviving. I know I'm still her Mom but I can't help thinking that anyone can do my job. Anyone can feed her now, anyone can change her diapers. I'm not doing anything that somebody else couldn't do for me. It makes me sad. Like not any part of her belongs to me.
Well, that's a sad note, but I'm really tired. In reality, everything is good. Greg and I are way pumped about starting new projects and it's good to know Scarlet will be getting enough food now! FINALLY!!! Poor thing! Hope everyone else is doing well!
6 comments:
Ah Megs...I'm sorry. After everything you went through to get it right, all the pain and not gaining weight, and still not to be able to nurse; I'm sorry, that makes me sad too. But the good thing is that she'll take the bottle, and you can still pump, so she's still getting the good stuff. You are the best mom in the world. For being so "natural", nursing sure does come with it's share of complications.
I'm loving your cabinet and all the fun red stuff!
I LOVE YOUR CHAIR! It looks SO great! I can't wait to see what you guys do wtih your house and new projects! And seriously Meg, I know it's hard cause it's not how you imagined everything to turn out...but you are doing the best you can (with the whole feeding Scarlet thing) and that is all Heavenly Father asks of us! You seriously have tried SO HARD to do what's best for her, and that is good enough! Plenty of babies are fed on formula 100% from the time they hit earth and they turn out okay. You are giving Scarlet soooooooooo much goodness and you just need to realize that! I think you are doing SUCH a great job at the mom thing. I love you soooo much. Can't wait to see you guys soon.
Love your projects. I saw that chair fabric today as one of those carseat tents. I recognized it immediately. Sorry the nursing thing didn't work out. It didn't work out with Gunnar as well after 4 months and I had to go strictly to formula. I felt so sad about it until I realized the freedom associated with it. This time around it is working so well so I've realized that not all babies are cut out to nurse. I am sure that it is a relief to know what the problem is and that you are still able to help her through pumping.
Well, I'm sorry you feel the way you do- BUT one thing is for sure- we cannot do the job you are doing- and that is being her mother- nomatter what- there is nothing like the comfort of a mother- and if you left her and we had to cheer her up or comfort her it wouldn't be the same as if you did it. Nothing can replace a mother's touch. I love the red cabinet- oh my gosh it looks so good- it totally looks like you got it from potery barn. It looks awesome! And the addiction starts....oh- and the chair looks awesome too! I'm so impressed!
I was talking to 2 different friends just this week about that same problem with nursing. Don't worry - I think it happens more often than you would think. Your trying your best and that's all that should matter!
The projects look great! Can't wait to see what else you do.
Your chair and cabinet are awesome! I love them. Your dad was so impressed. The rest of your blog was so sad. NO ONE can replace you! You will have numerous instincts that no one else will see, hear or know just because you are her mom. The spirit will prompt you about things that even Greg won't get, because you are her mom and you are to be the main nurturer. She is more bonded to you because you carried her for 9 months. No one will love her as much or care as much as you. Good mothers are the most unselfish humans on earth. I love you!!!!
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