I have had heartburn all day.

I burnt my finger on the oven rack really early this morning.

I bit the inside of my cheek.

And I scraped myself, I don't remember where now. I'm just always hurting myself. It's inevitable.

Last night I slept better than I have all month, but I still got up 3 times to pee and once because Scarlet woke up and needed to be held. So I'm tired.

Everyday this week I think, "Tomorrow's a new day. I will have a good day tomorrow." And then I don't.

I'm so anxious to not be pregnant, but really- I'm just trading in constant tiredness and achey-ness for sore nipples, a traumatized vagina and even more tiredness.

I want to take a nap, but I don't try because I know Scarlet won't let me. She always runs in to tell me something, ask me for something, or just come in to play with me. Sleep doesn't exist when Scarlet is awake.

I don't want to make dinner.

I just feel like crap.

Everyday starts the same. We wake up happy and positive and then everything declines rather quickly. Scarlet is really grumpy, tired and only wants to watch tv the majority of the day. Then towards dinner time she finally perks up and wants to lead what I could call "the normal toddler life."

Until yesterday this was a major struggle in many ways. First it was the struggle to get to her do something other than watch tv, and feeling like a crappy Mom by letting her.

Then this week the struggle has been realizing that she really does feel that tired and crappy that all she CAN do is watch tv all day. This just stresses me out. I hate seeing her this way. It makes me really sad and I hate that I can't do anything about it.

Then last night I realized she always does perk up by the end of the day. So I should stop fighting it all and getting stressed about it and just realize this is how her day goes and keep myself busy until she perks up and wants to play- because she always does at SOME point in the day.

But by the time SHE DOES feel great- I feel like total crap. And she's just beaming at me with her smiles and grins- WHICH MAKES ME SO HAPPY- but I feel like such utter and total crap and it's just hard.

I was feeling frustrated last night because everyday goes like this and when Greg comes home all I can say is how the whole day went wrong, but all he sees is a happy girl running around. It makes me feel like such a whiner. I know he understands and believes me, but sometimes I just want to grab him by the shoulders and say, "You don't know how I suffer!" I know. So dramatic.

But I should be glad. If her timing was opposite, he would NEVER see her in a good mood. And honestly, I don't have much energy to play with her, so it's good she wants to play when he IS home, because he CAN play with her.

My baby is due in 10 days. My daughter's lyme disease stresses me out more each day because I see it effecting her more each day. I guess I shouldn't be surprised I'm having a hard time.

Well, right as I was going to post this I burst into tears and Scarlet saw me and ran over and she just hugged me for a really long time. Then she got a book to read and we started playing. Now I'm in a better mood.