It's Been One of Those Days

Bleh, I just feel like crap. Every bit of me. Emotionally, physically. Everything seems to be putting me in a crappy mood.

So a few weeks ago I was Miss Organized and made a TON TON TON of freezer meals so I wouldn't have to worry about making dinner after the baby comes. Turns out Scarlet can pretty much eat NOTHING in that freezer now. Darn it. So I was all flustered trying to decide whether to just let her eat it anyway or give it away. Well, we had unexpected company, the last two days, and I was thrilled thinking, "Oh we'll just have some of the meals! She'll eat some, but not a lot and then it won't be wasted because everyone else will be eating it." I was all thrilled, but she's been tired and cranky and I think it's 'cause those couple meals!!! It makes me not want to let her eat ANYTHING that has gluten or sugar- EVER. But she also has a runny nose- so maybe she's just sick. I don't know. Anyway. All those lasagnas and chicken pot pies. That is WORK man. I just can't part with those. I can leave the rest behind.

Beyond the last couple days- Scarlet has been magnificent. I cannot TELL you what a difference cutting out gluten, sugar and cutting way down on dairy has been for her. It is like night and day. She is back to her old self. Now she's HAPPY, she's very content and she likes to PLAY. No more lying around AT ALL. It improved a LOT the first week when we cut down a lot, but weren't able to completely eliminate everything yet. But the second week we were perfect and it was like she was a normal, happy toddler again- just how she should be. More importantly, just how she USED to be. And it's amazing, we went to a friends house and she ended up eating a ton of white bread and the next day she didn't do as well. It's so obvious. I'm just so glad it makes SUCH a difference and so quickly and that we can actually DO it. Like we can DO something for her to make her feel better NOW.

Lately I've been feeling all panicked that we'll go to her doctor and she'll say, "Oh you've fixed everything with her diet? Great! Keep it up!" And then she won't do anything. I really hope that doesn't happen. I hope she treats her with something so we can go BACK to her old diet. Though the whole thing really freaks me out. That she'll go through treatment and we'll THINK it's all gone- but it's not and going back to her old diet will make everything bad again. I don't know. I've been all restless lately. I hate being restless. The diet thing DOES make me hope that even if we can't get rid of it forever, that she can still feel great eating the right things. But maybe not. And it should all go away anyway!!! I've just been all worry some the last 2 days. It's like my stupid ecsema. I've had it on my hands for YEARS. And when my prescription runs out I always have to wash my hands a ton and get my rash really bad to go to the doctor to show them. Because if I just show up with hands that are itchy and not LOOKING like they have ecsema, I think they would just give me a weird look and say, "Why are you here? I'm not prescribing you for something you don't have." It's the WORST and I hate it. It makes me almost panicky like Scarlet needs to being doing really bad for someone to DO something about it. But I don't want to do that!!!

The entire East Coast just had the worst storm in 25 years. Greg and I were driving home when it happened. It was INSANE. We were at a friend's house 30 minutes away and 2 minutes after we left suddenly- and I mean INSTANTLY- there was this intense wind, lightning and rain. Suddenly everyone was pulling over. Within moments trees were broken down and power lines on the road. It was CRAZY. We drove over multiple power lines. It was all freaky too because all the lights went out and it was so dark- suddenly there'd be a TREE in the road and we'd have to just slam on the breaks. It was all so freaky and a little terrifying. I never felt so vulnerable in my life! It was a big awakening of the powers of the earth. Like the realization of how powerless we are against it. We kept wanting to pull over and wait it out, but we couldn't. We were surrounded by trees and had to just keep going home. The whole thing felt so unsafe. I just kept waiting for a tree or power line to fall on us. All the traffic lights were out so driving amongst other cars was a little crazy too. It was impossible to see the lines in the road. The whole thing was just so chaotic. I seriously felt like I was on the Indiana Jones Ride at Disneyland. Lights constantly flashing in the dark, the car shaking, things falling everywhere and blowing past. The whole thing was just out of control. I am pretty sure I saw lightening touch the ground 100 feet away from us. It was the brightest light I ever saw and just suddenly it was there, off to the side. And then it was gone. And then it was raining so hard it was really difficult to see. But that has happened here, before. Like on BIG FISH where he's driving in the rain and suddenly he's at the bottom of a lake. I felt like that driving home a month ago. I'm from OREGON. I know what rain is, but it was seriously the most insane rain ever. Like a lake was just pouring down on me and I honestly couldn't see at all and was only driving 25 miles an hour. ANYWAY. We made it home safe, but tons of people are sill out of power. We're on the outside of town and were all panicked we would be last to get power, but we were one of the first. Being pregnant- I was especially grateful. It would've been very hot without the AC.

The last few days have just been packed- I've hardly said two words to Greg. I think that's why I'm so grumpy.

I want to not be pregnant anymore. Big surprise. It's just all I can say these days. One big broken record of, "I want THIS (and I point to my stomach) out of me!" and "I'm so uncomfortable." It's all I can say 'cause it's all I can feel 100 % of the time. It's just the way it is.

On Sunday, in class, the teacher asked what "rest" meant and emphasized that there were no wrong answers. I immediately said, "relaxation" because that would be a rest for me. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to physically relax. I try all the time. I sit, I lay down. I still am not relaxed, but uncomfortable instead. Then everyone went off on how relaxation isn't rest at all but just LAZINESS and I was like, "Whatever. Depends on your own definition. I meant PHYSICALLY LITERALLY RELAXING YOUR MUSCLES." I wanted to defend my answer, but I didn't. Someone SORT OF did, but I don't like to get all contentious in church. I hate when people go back and forth with their comments, confronting each other. It would be nice to relax. I don't expect it to happen anytime for the next 3 months.

I just wish my belly wasn't in the way. I miss hugging Greg. Hugging Greg used to bring me comfort, but now it's just awkward and not so fulfilling. I miss it.

The last 2 days I've been thinking about my natural labor hopes and I think, "I am so tired. I am so tired all the time. Enduring pain for 20+ hours just sounds like so much. I want to rest." And I don't feel like doing it at all. But beyond being a total hypocrite, I feel the worst because honestly, the biggest reason (among many) that I wanted to do it is that I am worried the drugs are bad for the baby. Like I seriously worry they have long term effects that no one has discovered yet. And that just means I'm putting my baby last, and not first and that's pretty crappy. But I'm just oh so tired right now. Hopefully, I'll get some rest and energy and I'll feel up to the task again.

Oh yeah, I went in to the doctor and was all pumped for her to tell me I was dilated and I'm not. AT ALL. Nothing. What are all these Braxton Hicks for? It just makes me think it's gonna be another long 40 hours or maybe more. Ick. Super fun. I shouldn't whine. We can have babies. It's a good thing.

I've been up to my eyeballs in medical bills today. Finding ones I set aside and forgot about. Trying to get reimbursed for things that didn't get billed to insurance. Just stuff. It's never fun. I hate bills. More specifically, I hate MEDICAL BILLS. I hate getting bills MONTHS after the service. I hate forgetting I ever went to the doctor and suddenly I have to pay hundreds of dollars unexpectedly. I hate that I got a super fancy ultrasound because my first ultrasound tech said my baby probably has down syndrome and I was like, "Ok, I'll get a more sensitive ultrasound." And when I went in and they looked at why she thought my baby had issues, they were like- this tech is STUPID and you didn't even need to come in. Your baby is fine. And now I have a bill for over $800. Say what???? Didn't know it was going to cost that much. Yeah, not at ALL. Completely forgot about this experience that  happened 4 MONTHS AGO and suddenly I'm out almost $1000. And I didn't even need to do it! So annoying. But again, I should just be grateful we have savings and CAN pay our bills. That would be a lot more stressful. But it is annoying to think that if the first ultrasound tech did her job right, she wouldn't have sent me in for an extra service I didn't need.

I'm so sick of stupid people. I feel like such an old lady with how many letters I want to write. I want to write a letter to the stupid doctor that took the tick head out of Scarlet and wouldn't treat her and be like, "Hey, turns out you're as stupid as I thought you were and because of you my little girl is suffering from Lyme Disease." But I know she was just doing her job how she thought it should be done. But still, she was wrong and the consequences are real. There was this life guard the other day that was literally staring at his IPHONE the entire time! I mean, LITERALLY never looked up. Not even once. I was so bothered. And for 15 minutes, he wasn't even FACING the pool, but talking to someone by a fence, back to the water. What is this guy getting paid for? I wouldn't be so peeved if it wasn't completely about other's safety. I kind of want to get him fired, or at least a firm talking to from management. It was ridiculous. It makes me feel like an old lady wanting to make a fuss, when my fussing will probably get nothing done and it's really just wasting my breath.

Have I mentioned how crappy the East Coast is compared to the West? People here are not nice. This isn't across the board, but the coolest people I have met- they are ALWAYS west coasters. It is SO EASY to pick them out. You can't buy good produce here. It sucks. Everything is ALWAYS going bad. Nothing lasts even a week. Back home, I could buy produce and it would last up to 2 weeks normally. It's cause everything is from CA and it takes a week to drive here. It seriously SUCKS. Everything that's stocked is always on that BORDERLINE, like peppers that are starting to wrinkle in spots and the cucumbers are already a little squishy soft- where you're like, "Do I really want this?" But you just have to buy it like that here. It's just the way it is. It SUCKS. Driving sucks. People never let you in. It is so ridiculous. Driving is confusing and suddenly you're on a toll road and have to pay to get on, and you didn't even want to get on. And then you have to pay to get off. And possibly again to go the other way. It is the worst.

Eating healthy and eating gluten and sugar free is SO EXPENSIVE. I feel bad for all gluten free people. It is not a convenient way to be. But again, I should be grateful. How did people do it 20 years ago? Or even 10? There are so many more options now. Really there are. I have never been so grateful Greg has a job. It just seems like living costs so much more now and I'm glad we can pay for it. I can't imagine my stress level if we couldn't. It would do me in. And this shouldn't be a permanent lifestyle for us. We SHOULD be able to go back to gluten, though I am trying to get sugar out of our lives. Table sugar, anyway.

And out of NOWHERE my email is suddenly deleting all my messages before I read them! Just sending them straight to the trash. I think it started 5 days ago. I finally caught on, thank goodness. I don't really know what's going on, but deleted all my filters. So we'll see what happens. Changing my email would be SUCH A PAIN.

Alright, whining done for the day.

Alright, alright. It's the next day. Woke up in a much better mood. The house is clean and the only thing I need to worry about is making dinner and being a Mom. I'm feeling a lot more refreshed and up to doing a drug free labor again. I was just so done in yesterday. Exhausted in every possible way. Today is a better day.