But I have been wanting to write them down. I've been through a lot the last year- and I want to write about it. It's been such a whirl wind, up and down roller coaster of emotions for me the last year. I was constantly trying to figure out how to get out of "the bad times" and feel better and trying to figure out how I got there in the first place and seemed to be going nowhere and feeling a little lost. Somehow without realizing it, I started being my "self therapist" through books. I have been reading a lot of informational books the last 12 months or so and they've all effected me quite a bit.
One of the first books I read was Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. It was a really interesting read. I think most of us, me included, think (or thought) of introverts as freak shows that can't leave their house and are afraid of everything. This is so not true. There are TONS of us! And to all different levels of "introvertness". It has nothing to do with fear of human contact. It's just about stimulation and how you react to it. Introverts and extroverts are PHYSICALLY DIFFERENT. Like an introvert and extrovert can look at the same thing and the introverts eyes and brain literally take in more detail. It reacts WAY MORE to what it's seeing. This doesn't mean that we have bigger brains or are smarter or anything, it just means we are way more STIMULATED by what we're seeing. It's the same for EVERYTHING. Our brains react differently to what we experience and since our brains go through more stimulation through the exact same experience we are more exhausted and drained from it. And it's the OPPOSITE for extroverts. They get their energy FROM stimulation. So while an extrovert and and introvert may enjoy going to a party- afterwards, the introvert may feel drained and need to relax in a quiet atmosphere to "recharge". Where as an extrovert gets all their energy FROM the stimulation and will likely leave the party all excited and charged up to go do something else. Each person enjoyed the party, but the after effects are different. This is a GENERAL example that not EVERY PERSON will feel every time, no matter what "side of the line" they're on. It's just what I said- an example. There is a LOT more detail in the book about differences and what they mean that were incredibly FASCINATING to me and it went on about how our society is very PRO-EXTROVERT and everything encourages us to be extroverted (work, school, social settings) and it talks about the dangers/not good things about it, but that's not my point. It was a good book that made me feel like it's ok to be ME- AN INTROVERT. 100%.
Another book I really enjoyed was called SPARK. It was all about exercise and your brain. I've been reading lots of books that focus on your brain and I've learned so much! It's been fun! I was needing a book to get my motivation to exercise and to just seal that motivation forever. I was sick of waffling back and forth. I wanted to be so sold on the idea that I'll never turn back. So I looked around online and found this book and it was really intriguing. Can working out physically CHANGE and GROW your brain and you can become SMARTER, more COMPETENT and CAPABLE? It was such a great book. I REALLY enjoyed it. Through the whole book, the author tackles different mental disorders- depression, ADHD, anxiety, all kinds of things and the effects and studies that have been done concerning treatment with exercise. Truly fascinating. But through reading this I discovered I was totally suffering from ANXIETY and have been for A LONG TIME. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It made so much sense and it was like everything I was going through was making sense and the reasons why and how I got there and it was absolutely crazy. It was really awesome actually, because I was oblivious and it quickly changed my life around.
Another book I read, that I sort of hated was Bringing Up Bebe- I don't even want to mention it because the mention of the book just makes me cringe a bit. BUT!!!! A good benefit that came from it- was realizing I don't need to be OBSESSED with my children. Letting them be by themselves. Not feeling like any moment I wasn't playing by their side wasn't the same thing as a moment of me ignoring them. That was something I struggled with GREATLY ever since Scarlet got sick. I think it was because when she got sick I HAD TO BE OBSESSED. I really believe my obsession is why she is better now! My obsession got her test results that told us she had lyme, that got us an appointment with someone that actually knew how to treat her. My obsession with food and changing our entire family's diet so she could benefit- which she did by a landslide. My constant awareness of her. Cutting off playdates because she couldn't handle them, which cut off every social outlet I had. Letting her watch tv constantly, because that's all she could do. Having to deal with being the mother that lets her kid watch 7+ hours a day and not telling people about it and feeling really shameful about it. Constantly bringing her home made lara bars, berries, peppers and cucumbers while she watches tv, because that was the only way she would eat anything at all. Refusing to let anyone else feed her anything unnatural, that didn't come straight up from the ground and feeling like a really extreme freak that won't even let my kid have an organic fish cracker. I don't have regrets, because it made her better. I literally believe that it SAVED her. She is better now, tomorrow marks a year exactly that she was so clearly in remission or if I'm to be brave- I'll say CURED, which I truly believe she is.
OK, that was a tangent- but after this whole experience and process (it wasn't overnight) I resulted in a completely obsessed mother. That switch didn't flip off when Scarlet was suddenly better, which wasn't sudden either. But by the time she was obviously well and life "returned to normal" I was still the detail obsessed mother that had to do EVERYTHING perfect or it basically meant (in my mind) that I was neglecting my kids, didn't care about them or was just plain feeding them poison that would bring them eventual cancer and otherwise avoidable death, if I would have cared enough to make a meal from scratch. Yes, I had some major ANXIETY happening and was SO unaware of it.
Another tangent- but related thought- was moving to DC. Washington DC, or at least Herndon- is a very different place. The WOMEN are different there. Towards the end of our living there, and definitely after we've left and I've had time to reflect, I realize it wasn't such a "everyone is this way, but me" sort of thing. I just chose to see it that way. But I'll never forget when I moved there, our very first sunday- I see this baby in a carseat carrier (NEWBORN, couldn't possibly be more than 2 months) and there is this woman sitting next to her and her hair is perfectly curled and she just looks like she came out of a magazine. I'm a little surprised, because this baby is so clearly new, but then at the end of class she stands up and I'm literally thrown. She was probably a size two. Her stomach was FLAT. I mean FLAT!!!!! She was BEYOND TINY and had just had a baby. Overlooking how I couldn't understand finding the time or energy to look that fabulous hair/makeup/clothing wise, I remember l just couldn't wrap my head around what her body looked like. I didn't even know that was possible. Come to find out later that she was running 5 miles only 2 WEEKS after her baby's birth! Say what?????? Then I quickly meet another mother that's pretty much in the same boat and I'm starting to feel intimidated.
So body wise, I came from Central Point- pretty much being the smallest one in the ward to feeling really fat in DC, even though I'm in the same exact body. It was not good.
Going back to my introvert book- this ward was FULL OF EXTROVERTS. I mean, like CRAZY EXTROVERTED women!!!! Women that can't sit still for a moment to the point that one of my friends could never just make plans, but she always had to have "back up plans" too. She would call me all the time and say, "I made plans with so and so, but sometimes they flake on me, so if they do- do you want to meet me at this park?" I'm not making this up! It was really strange, but she just couldn't be left alone doing nothing. She had to be that busy. I would say a lot of mothers came to church only 2 weeks after having their babies and they would say, "I just couldn't stay home any longer!" with a big grin on their face. Then there was the famous mother who came THE WEEK SHE HAD THE BABY. At least I wasn't the only one who thought she was crazy. And when people would say, "Why are you here? You just had a baby!" she would in some way say, "So what? What's the big deal? I just had a baby" as if it equaled tying a shoe. And then before I know it, as the weeks passed, it seemed tons of women were agreeing with her, acting like having a baby was seriously no big deal. And I'm sorry, but running a marathon in your uterus, followed by pushing a cantaloupe out of your crotch and sacrificing 70% of your sleep is a big deal- and dismissing that it's a big deal to almost every other woman on the planet, is completely disrespectful and encouraging everyone else to not feel good enough.
I can't count how many times I was in the nursing room and mothers were talking about how they just have to be out of the house and busy or they go insane and the few brave times I've said, "I like being home. If I am out too much, it drains me," and then I see all of their eyes bug out and there's this incredibly awkward silence and it is beyond obvious that everyone in the room is thinking, "What is wrong with you?" instead of just appreciating or accepting that wow- someone is different than you.
THEN! We move to Kyrgyzstan!!!! I won't go much into it, but just a few months before we moved- I thought I was superwoman. I made INCREDIBLE meals, with incredible sides- all delicious, all healthy, we always had super healthy snacks and I worked out everyday. Because of this I FELT amazing physically. ENERGY, HAPPINESS. I'd made a LOT of changes in my life I was really happy about and proud about, to be frank. After having a LOT of time to reflect on this- there is a signifiant factor for ALL of this particular success in my life. It was also the pain in my life. My kid was sick. She was on the couch 7+ hours a day, wanting NOTHING to do with me. This gave me 7+ hours to entertain myself, zone out, and DO ALL OF THESE incredible things like working out and making awesome food. It was either that or get seriously depressed about what my child was going through.
Then we move to Kyrgyzstan and I suddenly don't have 7 hours to keep all of this up. And not only have I lost 7 hours of my day, without realizing it, suddenly I have 2 toddlers running around wreaking havoc, not just one. Or really- I didn't have ANY toddlers running around the house wreaking havoc. Brighton was still a BABY and Scarlet was sick! So I went from 2 kids that stayed put and kept life pretty simple and stress free to TWO TODDLERS demanding SO MUCH MORE from me!!!! Add to this- culture shock, unable to have ANY INDEPENDENCE for ANYTHING, needing to make appointments just to LEAVE MY HOUSE because I can't even drive in this place or read any street signs or pronounce the word "hello". Hello in Russian sounds like, "sdrasvwueecha". I'm not kidding. It took me 6 months to be able to say this word in public without fear. And that's just HELLO!!!! I knew moving here was going to come with challenges and adjustments, but it seemed like most of the challenges were so unexpected, leaving me completely thrown. Like I was the only stay at home mom the first 6 months we were here. I felt I had to constantly defend who I was. People just didn't get it. And because everyone else had a nanny and I didn't, I felt I could NEVER complain about "the woes of motherhood" because the instant response was, "Why don't you get a nanny? Then you don't have to deal with it, " and I wouldn't know what to say. It would just leave me feeling like the oddball of the community. And we just didn't have anyone to be friends with. It wasn't even an option. No one was even there to try out. Now a couple stay at home moms and a stay at home grandmother have moved in, so how I have 3 people to have play dates with.
ANYWAY. The last year has been CRAZY. I have been in this constant wave of up and down. "Things are getting better!" and then something else gets thrown my way. And all the while, I have no idea why or how I got there, I just know I feel like I can't get it together!
Now I'm reading a book about SHAME. Unusual topic, I know. I used to feel really funny telling people I was reading it, if they asked, the first week or so, but now I don't. It's called I Thought it was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey between "What will people think?" to "I am enough." I know, what a title! It's actually been a really good read. I bought it sort of as a self help book for me, I thought it might be really good for me- but it has been a really good read for other reasons as well! It helps me understand others better and how I should treat them when they tell me things. SHAME is such a big word. Before I started the book, I felt like to "feel shame" is a really big deal- something HUGE and SECRET and TERRIBLE you'd never tell anybody. But it's not like that at all. You don't need to do something "bad" to feel shameful. You can feel ashamed of your body, of the way you parent, of the way your house looks, that you had a c section or don't breastfeed- it doesn't matter and the point has nothing to do with the reason. It's often confused with "guilt" or "embarrassment" or other FEELINGS, but it's not the same. GUILT can motivate you to be better, embarrassment is usually something you overcome and eventually laugh at. You know you're not the first, nor the last and it's ok, even if you wished it didn't happen. When you feel SHAME, you feel ALONE, you think there's something WRONG with you and there is no benefit to feeling that way! It talks a lot about RECOGNIZING shame and and ways to overcome it. It also talks about "speaking shame". Like we say a lot of things to each other that shame others without even realizing it! People open up and we don't even realize we're saying the wrong thing to them and they feel worse in the end. It's really been an eye opener! Like someone opens up to you about some kind of pain they feel and you say, "Oh that's nothing! You think that's bad, listen to what happened to me!" And it totally dismisses what they feel as nothing. That's not doing that person any good, especially when they went out of their way to open up to you. I know that's been done to me and I've definitely done it to others, but didn't realize I was treating that person that way. I just thought I was giving them perspective, but I probably just hurt that person's feelings instead. This was just one example.
The book talks a lot about how the best way to overcome shame is to simply express it to others. Tell people about your experiences and the things you're going through. The best way to overcome your feelings is to have them reciprocated to you. For instance, this wasn't in the book- it happened to me. Someone called and told me how much tv their kid watches and they're friends were shocked when they found out and she felt really bad about how much tv her kid was watching. I immediately said, "I've totally been there. Scarlet used to watch this much, all the time, first thing in the morning. I remember panicking about it and she's fine. She's smart, social, blah blah. Really, I know how you feel and you're not a bad mom." And she immediately felt better. It wasn't that I said "letting your kid watch a lot of tv is ok" that made her feel better- it was saying, "I've done that, others do that. You're not the only one. You're not alone." THAT'S what made her feel better. Not feeling like the only person struggling. The only person doing something that isn't ideal. That's what shame is. And the only way to overcome it is to COME TOGETHER and admit our shame and as long as the other person accepts and listens to you- we'll all start feeling better about ourselves!
It's been a very educational book :)
This book has helped me realize how I got sucked into so much anxiety and a bit of depression after we moved here. We went from such a healthy lifestyle that I was so happy with and felt like it was WHO I WAS and then in a moment it was gone. We moved here and we were suddenly eating white pasta and a can of spaghetti sauce 70% of the time. I didn't have time or energy to do cloth diapers anymore. One by one, everything I had accomplished the year before was checked off the list of "things Megan can't handle" and I felt like I was losing myself. I felt like the biggest hypocrite. I really believed in all these things and that they were SO IMPORTANT and here I was, not even doing them anymore. What did that make me? I couldn't understand how I "couldn't hack it" and couldn't shake the feeling of FAILURE.
But through all of this, bit by bit, piece by piece, I've been gathering myself back together. Somehow the last month, it all seemed to have finally come together and I feel whole again. It helps a lot to understand and be able to wrap my head around the whats, whys and hows of how I've gotten where I was or why I was feeling that way. It doesn't EXCUSE everything- but it gives perspective and makes me understand, "Yeah, you had a lot on your plate and were really stressed. It makes sense that you lost it and yelled at your kids" or "Everything in your life just turned upside down, that is pretty overwhelming. It makes a lot of sense that you chose to sit on your butt, eat chocolate, and watch tv most of the day." It doesn't tell me it's ok. It doesn't excuse that I yelled at my kids, it doesn't mean that watching tv is a healthy escape, but it makes me realize I'm just human and everyone else is too.
All these thoughts and things I've learned haven't fixed my problems and I know it doesn't mean I won't ever be faced with something that throws my world upside down, but it gives me hope that next time around I'll be able to check myself and handle it better, not expecting too much from myself or stretching myself too far.
I hope this wasn't too heavy of a post! Things are really good now! And I haven't been in a terrible deep dark depression since we've moved here. As I said- it's been a lot of waves, up and down. I'm just getting out all the things I've been going through the last year. We've all been doing really well. I feel like we're back to who we used to be (the kids and I) and living our life in a way that's really good for us. I let Pavel go this week. He now just drives me like a taxi. So I use him twice a week for Zumba. Other than that, the kids and I just walk. It's been SO GREAT!!!! I used to walk ALL THE TIME in Central Point. I LOVED IT. I have always hated driving. I feel like I'm wasting life away when I'm in the car. It's such a relief to not have constant pressure to leave the house, because- you're paying someone, whether they drive you around or not. It's nice not to be burning money, but the most relief is to just stay home and not feel uncomfortable about it.
7 comments:
Great Blog!!! Lots of memories and in that blog. I think alot of what you have been going through we all go through in different ways. The scripture I read more than any othe in my life was "don't run faster than you have streangth" THe other day I read in the Book of Mormon about Nephi after his vision, he talked about how he went to his tent, and after he had his strength back he went to talk to his brothers. I also thought about how the Savior had to go away to be by himself and talk to his Father. If Nephi and the Savior had to rest and "get away", then why in the world would I feel guilty for needing to take a break. Because I am 57 and a half years old, I think a lot about mortality and that I have a mortal body. These aren't immortal perfect bodies. they need rest, food, recreation and work. Balance is hard, especially when life is always changing. Soon you will have 3 children. That will create a whole new dynamic. I have felt life is all about change, and we don't really like change. I think one of the great ills of this era is all the books about parenting. I had one book when Rebecca was born and it was more of a reference book. My mom and Terese would give me books and articles and I would pray and glean what felt right for me. I remember crashing about every 6 weeks, letting the house fall completely apart, letting Rebecca, Jacob, and LIzzie do and eat whatever they wanted for 3 days while I read a book (we didn't have TV at the time) Then I would get up and get the house clena with your dads help and go again for another 6 weeks. I'm glad you have found books to help you. The Library was my best friend. I went there once a week from the time we got married until you all started high school. it saved my life. I mostly read novels. I have learned a lot about life through authors eyes. i would pray to be led to the book I needed. I think you are a wonderful mom, wife and person. The intorvert book was interesting to me. I have never considered myself an introvert, but as you described it it sounded like me. I don't like leaving my home unless I have to. I am exhausted when I come home. Jennifer observed when I was teaching WW's that I noticed everything and everyone around me to the slightest movement. When she said that it rang very true to me. I think I always assumed an introvert was shy, but it sounds like that is not so. That would be interesting to read. I'm excited to have you come and be able to talk in person about these things. Plus to just have you here. Love you bunches, and no it wasn't too heave, it was great.
Okay- this is SUCH a fantastic blog. I feel like I'll come back and read it again. So much wisdom.
I think you are SO AMAZING. I know that's easy to say and everything- but I really truly mean it. I've always thought this.
I am so intrigued by all these books. I have put on my list of 26 things for my 26th year- read a self help book...I kind of feel like I should put, "Read all books Megan reads" haha, cause you read such great books. But I don't want to put too much pressure on me :) I'm really intrigued with the Shame one. The Quiet book- Clay started reading that- he is DEFINITELY introvert. I feel I am somewhere in between. He didn't finish and I didn't read it...but I want to.
I feel like when I was reading everything I just kept thinking what I've really come to terms with these past few years- and that is...life is all about balance. And its never the same balance. Like you said- life will always throw you curve balls and throw you upside down, but like you said, hopefully you'll be better able to handle them from this new knowledge. I feel like Lyme taught me that I will always need to adjust in order to have balance in my life. Sometimes I might need to watch tv 100% of my free time, because that is simply all I can handle. Other times I may need to keep myself busy. It all just depends on how my life is in that moment. And no one can be 100% in all areas of life. It's just impossible. Things will be lacking always in different areas and its okay. That's what I've decided anyway. But I think most people like people to think they are 100% in everything.
I feel like you could write a book. You've had so many experiences you know? Like...the things you just overviewed in this blog- you have so many experiences to draw on positives and negatives that led to growth. I mean not to put any pressure on you but I really think you'd be capable of writing a fantastic self-help book.
And this blog wasn't too serious or a downer at all. It was super inspiring.
Love you!!!!!!!
I am just writing on my phone because our computer pooped out, but societal induced complexes are real. They do happen to is all. I'm sorry you had been feeling that way. It's so hard to feel inadequate to others. It's so harmful to us to think that we are less because someone says that they do things no problem. Having a baby is serious and different for everyone. It's just different, not bad or good. I've always had a problem putting myself in an introvert or extrovert box. I have a lot of qualities of both I think. It sounds like an interesting read though. You must be a fast reader! Maybe I should listen to it! It's good your in a good place; don't realize how lister can get until we're out if the fog:) love you and happy you wrote that post.
Hills
what a wonderful post. i'm so glad you wrote that. it was very moving, and I could relate to alot of it. I feel like you have just gone through therapy. I have paid people to achieve what you have achieved (only, my problems-not yours ha) It's really powerful that you were able to do that on your own. I know you read books, but it takes alot of discipline and motivation to stop and think and analyze. It is hard to stop and think. You have been doing alot of meditation and thinking and I'm so happy for you. You are an amazing woman, why? because you are constantly trying to improve yourself. I think you are such a wonderful and amazing person. You are honest and I love what you write because I often am feeling the same way and like that SHAME book says, it feels good to know that you are not alone. The introvert and extrovert book sounds fascinating, it really helped me to understand Michael better. I expect him to be like me, and you said alot that really helped me to understand that it's ok that he is an introvert, and I need to respect that. I love you so much. Miss you.
I loved all of the last blogs, and this is so amazing. I am glad you blog about your feelings and what you think. Such wisdom and in-sight. Love it and you, you are such an amazing person and young mother. I am constantly awed by your ability to adapt to your surrondings. Probably enviroment would be a better word. I have never said this Megan, but I think you rank right up there with the pioneer women, when you just follow Greg to all of these places and do so willingly and show no fear. I personally would be shaking in my boots. You are fearlessly brave and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The world needs more women like you and I want you to know it from me. You are one wonderful person. Tell Greg I said so and he is really blessed to have found you. Looking forward to seeing you sometime next month. It is my blessing to call you my granddaughter. Of course it goes without my saying it that Greg has to be a special guy or you wouldn't love him. I love you all hugs and Kisses
What a weirdo situation when someone calls you up and basically tells you that you are a second rate playdate if the more desired ones fall through. That is just the weirdest thing. Sure doesn't help anyone's self esteem or true friendships. I really want to read the book about shame. It sounds so interesting. I can totally relate to feeling some shame for c-sections. Nothing bad but those that have their babies otherwise can sure make you feel like you had less of a labor because of them. Or you went through less of a process or... it goes on...I want to get that book. I have been checking books out for Heidi from our library so she doesn't have to pay for a membership. I read the books after she does. They are so interesting. Read An Exact Replica of My Imagination. It was a huge eye opener to me of still birth. I am now aware of how to handle that or similar situations when others go through it.
I also just noticed that the author of the shame book writes many others on a similar topic that look very interesting with great revues. Also, I think women are crazy getting as thin as they can quickly after birth. However, my friend that was back from Russia, that just had a baby, she was stick thin for having a 5 week old. It was crazy! BUT she has always just been small/thinner by nature and some people just are.
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