Feelin' Good

Oh man. I can't tell you how different I feel. Yesterday has dramatically changed my life. After the appointment I started crying tears of relief, in the car driving home. It just felt so good. The last 2 weeks, I have just not been myself. I think the stress of Scarlet and being 9 months pregnant had just sent me over the edge and I just couldn't get back. It was like everyday was a bad day. It didn't matter how I tried, it was always overwhelming. It was like I was a puzzle tossed all over the floor and yesterday I was finally nicely put back together and everything felt good again. And when Greg and I went to bed last night, I realized I was completely stress free. It felt so nice. I knew things were bad, but last night I finally felt myself again. I had literally forgotten what that felt like.

Every night the last week or so I've panicked, "I hope I don't go into labor!" I often have contractions at night right before I go to bed. And last night it was like, "I can have this baby anytime now!" I'm glad I don't have to have opinions about when he comes. I want him to come when he needs to. I don't want it to be too soon, or too late because of my schedule. And now he will!

I've been all panicked about how I pray for things. I didn't ever pray for him to stay inside me until after the appointment- for all I know- that would be bad for him! I don't want that. So I still always prayed that he would come at the best time, for him and us- whenever that may be. Same with Scarlet's herx. I don't want to pray that she doesn't have one- and then it turns out she's not having one because the antibiotics aren't working. So come what may. I know the Lord knows our situation.

As usual, the Lord takes care of it all for me and everything has turned out far better than I ever planned. Simple things that make ALL the difference. Like our doctor. She does phone appointments. We don't have to come back in for 6 months. That is great. It took us over 2 hours to get to her office. We thought we'd get there really early and ended up getting there RIGHT on time. It was a little panicky. And with having one car, Greg still training in his job, and a soon to be newborn- driving there in the future is just going to be difficult. A phone appointment is SO much more doable. Little things like that. I've been realizing more and more how blessed we are through all of this. This last week I got all panicky about the expense of this whole thing, wondering how it was all going to be. But we got her prescriptions/probiotics and it is NOT going to be expensive for us. Her appointments are expensive, but we can handle it. I'm so glad we didn't buy a car when we got here. We had no idea this was even coming- but every time buying a second car came up I was like, "No. We don't know how expensive DC is going to be. I don't want to do anything like that until we know our expenses. Not having a car will be a pain, but we can hack it." Now I'm so glad we didn't. That would've made this all a very big strain and far more stressful.

Things like that. Things I didn't even realize we were being prepared for, it's all falling into place now and I've been feeling really taken care of.

I love Scarlet. She has been so amazing through all of this. Even when she's sick, I swear she's the best behaved little girl I've ever known. Maybe I'm blinded by love, but I swear I'm not. And I've just been realizing how much more amazing it's all gonna get when she gets better. Watching her go through all of this- its so true when people say that you learn through your own kids. I already feel like she's such an amazing little person. When she's feeling well, she's such a happy cheerful person. She's a good example to me. I'm just so glad she's with us.

I'm SO EXCITED for our little boy to come! It all feels a little unreal. Imagining a little BOY in our arms. Starting over all again. I can't believe how much I've forgotten already. I'm not too worried, it will all come back. They just start out so tiny and helpless. I wonder what he'll LOOK like. Scarlet looked just as I expected, which makes me wonder if he'll come out a skinny baldy. That's what I imagine. But who knows. Also, the older Scarlet gets, the more we realize she is JUST like me. It's crazy. It becomes more obvious everyday. She looks like Greg, but acts like me. So it makes me curious if it will be the opposite with our boy. Maybe he'll be a little Greg, but look like an ARNOLD. We'll see . . .

I REALLY HOPE breastfeeding works. I really hope so. I REALLY hope I deliver natural. I wasn't worried at all about my abilities and then I had some serious contractions and the thoughts, "Holy crap, I forgot what this feels like!" came to mind. I was just thinking- if this is how it's all going to begin, I can't imagine the end- this is NOT going to work. But 2 nights ago when they kept coming, I was already in bed, so I was in a good position to relax and focus and that's just what I started doing. I started doing what I read in The Bradley Method and after awhile I felt like I got control over everything. It still hurt, but it was fine, and then I got confidence again. So that was nice.

Anyway. I woke up today feeling all anew, like I'm just myself again and it feels so good. I've been up an hour and a half and only eaten peanut butter m&m's, but hey! You can't get EVERYTHING right all the time, right?