Got out our little play mat/mobile thing. It's got a bit of pink and purple in it, but oh well.

Cutie

Man, I made some guacamole and I put too much garlic salt in it. Oh well. It's not HORRIBLE, but it's not as delightful as the batch that Greg made the other night. 

Yesterday was horrible. Well, honestly the first half was WONDERFUL. I got some major Mom/Play time with Scarlet AND Brighton, but the latter half of the day- forget it. I finally had a melt down. I suppose I was due. I haven't had one yet and it's been 3 1/2 weeks. I made plans with friends and canceled last minute realizing I cannot make plans again for a good month or two. It's just too hard. It was like all at once, both my kids woke too early from naps and started crying and before I knew it I was crying too. Not fun. I hadn't showered in two days, I had a growing suspicion that my house smelled of something sour and I had two girlfriends on their way over in 15 minutes time. MELT DOWN. Called my sister Amy and she told me to cancel. I felt such relief when I did. When people ask me to get together, it makes me feel like I SHOULD be able to get together and I get embarrassed that I can't handle it. When people stop by it always seems to work out, but they also don't stay longer than 15 minutes.

ANYWAY. Yesterday was our second appointment with Scarlet's Lyme Doctor. It was a phone appointment. Scarlet's labs looked good. She said the level of something (I don't remember) was really low which is really normal for Lyme patients and that it's a good number to judge our progress. The level should go up as she gets better. So that was good to hear, because the tests are pretty crappy as far as accuracy go. Though everything she said was really good- she said everything seems on track and that so far there are no signs of co-infection, which is GOOD. But since Scarlet has been doing so well I was hoping she would say something like, "Wow, Scarlet's doing amazing!!! We should be done with treatment in 3 months!" But it didn't go like that at all. She said she didn't want to add anything on to what she's already doing, but as if we will eventually- which I didn't realize. For some reason I thought it would just be these 2 antibiotics forever until we're done, but I guess not. And then she mentioned a specific antibiotic that she absolutely hates. I guess it's really horrible, but she has to get on it at some point and she usually saves it towards the end. So that didn't make me feel good either. As much as everything, in fact, IS GOOD- it got me depressed. I just hate this disease. I hate that most people don't think it's real. I hate that this is possibly something Scarlet will have to deal with her entire life. It would be great if it gets completely eliminated from her body and a year from now we never have to worry about it again, but it may be something she has to deal with on and off her whole life. It depresses me.

Does anyone else have bipolar days? I swear everyday that's really good has to be followed by a really horrible one and vice versa. Yesterday was a real doozy and today has been great! Lots of play time again, lots of sleep last night and I've actually showered, styled my hair and put on mascara. That hasn't happened since my Mom left. And that only happened once when she was here. Granted, I've yet to get dinner happening. Yesterday was so hard, I'm just sort of taking it easy today. But dinner DOES have to get made. I just keep putting it off.

It seems like I always have something to say. All day I think, "I'm going to blog about this" but now I can't think of anything.

Being a mother of two is DEFINITELY different than mother of one. Yesterday I didn't even get 5 minutes to myself. The two best days I had, I had an hour to myself. One day I showered and the other day I napped. I think an hour to myself is the best I can hope for, which is fine. It's just less than when it was Scarlet and me. I had so much more time to get things done, to shower, to eat, to blog, to talk on the phone. Now, the day just passes in everything revolving around kids. It IS good- it's just different. And last night I was just thinking, "Wow, this is my life now. I have crossed a line." I think my life is beautiful, but it isn't pretty anymore. Meaning, I am disgusting most of the day, Scarlet is always in her jammies that are covered in food, I can't keep my clothing spit up free, my house is getting nastier by the second and I just have no control or prediction of how or when I get stuff done. Last night I was SOOOOO tired, I was teary I was so tired and the moment I lay down Brighton fusses and I think, there's no way he's hungry- it's too soon. So I make Greg take him. But within 5 minutes he's crying so hard I'm thinking, "He's HUNGRY!!!" And I'm so mad!!! I jump out of bed and exasperate, "I'm never going to sleep again!!!" Or something like that and then I think I start crying as I nurse him. Some moments are just hard. And then when I'm feeling like that I so easily yell at Scarlet and I feel so bad. I yelled at her more yesterday than I ever have. I have no idea why she doesn't have issues with me. I do always apologize afterwards. It seems when I'm at my worst, Greg praises me the most- for which I am grateful. He wasn't non-supportive when Scarlet was born, but he's just been so SUPER supportive this time. It's been really nice.

Brighton was eating like a CRAZY MAN at the first of the week. Seriously every 1 1/2 - 2 hours round the clock. Then the last couple days he just refuses to sleep unless he's being held. Today I've had some relief. He's taking a sweet nap in his swing. I keep thinking I should go wake him to feed him, but then I think, "Isn't he asleep because he needs to sleep? Wouldn't he wake if he needed to eat?" The great dilemma. Such different theories on waking/feeding babies. I can't figure out completely how I feel, though I keep swaying more and more that he knows what he needs and for now just go with him.  Waking a baby and shoving your breast in his mouth just seems so unnatural. I mean, did Eve do this with her children? When and who thought this up? Is it REALLY a good thing? I mean were babies dying of starvation before this theory came up or did women not produce enough milk? Or did someone just decide it one day? It just reminds me of everything else in life. We keep deciding we know how to do things better than nature and as time passes it turns out the "old" way is the better way. Like how women were told not to breastfeed for awhile. And all of our processed food. The more time passes, the more NATURAL turns out to be best. There were no alarm clocks 1000s of years ago and I just see mothers and babies sleeping and eating as their body demands. I can't see women doing it any other way unless someone told them to do so- which is exactly what we're all doing.

I really want to be skinny. A lot. I have 12 pounds that I want to shed. But I also want to eat treats. Another great dilemma.